Speak Up

Honesty is the best policy, so let's be honest: I am not adjusting well. Now that the wedding is over and out of the way, I feel like I'm paralyzed by the weight of what I have done and the traumatizing cycle of self-inflicted inaction.

Not very clear? I will elaborate.

I quit my job. I have no health insurance. I left my friends and home for the last 2.5 years behind. I live with my mom and little sister again, making me a boomerang child. I have a small pile of money in the bank that is evanescing, seemingly with every heartbeat. I don't have a car and every where in Southeast Louisiana requires one to get to. I have no job prospects. I have no clue what I want to do. Again. This is familiar territory, I have to be honest.

Still no clue how people decide what they want to be when they grow up. I want to hide in my bed and watch my favorite movies for hours on end, eating pints of ice cream and drinking beer after beer after beer.

For those of you who are not familiar with it, let me quote a description of Stage 3 reverse culture shock from a link sent to me by Erin, who has thankfully moved on to Stage 4 of her reassimilation process. To quote the studentsabroad.com handbook on reverse culture shock:

"You may experience feelings of frustration, anger, alienation, loneliness, disorientation, and helplessness and not understand exactly why. You might quickly become irritated or critical of others and of U.S. culture. Depression, feeling like a stranger at home, and the longing to go back abroad are also not uncommon reactions. You may also feel less independent than you were in the country of your choice."

It's like they KNOW! I am all of these things! It doesn't say anything about wanting to eat and drink my feelings, but I think they knew that too. Or maybe that's just my coping mechanism.

Don't get me wrong. I struggled mightily when I moved to China. It was H-A-R-D. Like hard for a very long time. Maybe a year. But once I settled my mind to living there, it was great.

Ok, see, I knew writing this would help. I just heard my own advice in that paragraph. "Settled my mind to living there."  Obviously this would intimate that running away again would not make things better. Just different.

Step by step. One decision a day. One email at a time. I will make this work.

If Justin were here, he would read this and play me some wonderful Whitney Houston song that is just perfect for the situation. Probably "Step by Step" in fact. I miss that, but just knowing what my friends would say helps.

Baby steps are all we can do. And tomorrow is a Brand. New. Day. I can get on board with that.