Funny how life changes, isn't it?
I was just sitting here thinking how bone-achingly tired I am and I can't help but wonder, "what am I doing here?"
I have always been so driven, so motivated, so goal-oriented and when I reached what I thought was my end all be all, I have realized maybe I was always chasing some ephemeral dream. Dreams change, goals change. It just took me awhile to realize that I was not going to find my new dreams here in Macau.
Once upon a time I was going to be a dancer. Then an actress. A marine biologist. A history professor. An art conservationist. A curator. I thought about being an architect and a history professor. A lighting designer. I settled on a theatrical electrician for the present.
I have always heard, "Money doesn't buy happiness." I thought, "It couldn't hurt..." Truth be told, I have money. It didn't.
I struggle every day. Every single day I fight an internal battle about letting go and letting my life take the course and shape it is meant to. How do you know when you get where you are supposed to be? Do you ever know?
Not that I am discontented with my life. Never. I sometimes wish I had gone a different route, but it is always fleeting and it is an emotion very different from regret.
So what do I want to be when I grow up? Not sure. People ask me pretty much every day, "What are you going to do when you leave?" I tell them, "I don't know. I just want to be for awhile."
I have been on the go for the last twenty years of my life. I want to stop and read books, garden, cook, take a class, go to museums, take leisurely trips, hang out with my grandparents and hear more of their stories. Mostly I want to have a life.
I always thought I had one and now I am realizing that maybe all the time I was striving toward achieving my next big adventure, I had what I wanted in front of me the whole time.
That is not to say, of course, that I will be settling down to lead a quiet, mundane life. Only that I will not let it go this long between recharging my mental batteries in the place I will always call home again.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Leaving Your Job is Exhausting
I felt totally accomplished when I packed one box to ship home. Now, I feel like I have done nothing. My room is relatively unchanged, I still have too much crap, and I can already feel the walls closing in. Let me tell you this, there are not enough hours in the day to finish everything I want to do.
Sunday, a coworker and I attended Lusofonia - the Portugese festival Macau holds every year. It was awesome! We had a great time. Good music by the Mozambique band - apparently they, too, were colonized by the Portugese. Who knew? Also, their blackbeans and rice dish - to die for!
The weather has been wonderful lately, so yesterday some friends and I went out to Coloane for lunch on a patio, which was fantastic. Then in the evening we went to Oktoberfest at the MGM. It was an evening complete with beer steins, REAL LIVE GERMAN WAITRESSES (this point was very important to MGM, so I felt it necessary to bold it), a German band that played all your German favorites: The Chicken Dance and Mambo Number 5 among others, as well as your standard sausage, saurkraut, and pretzel fare. It was nice, but I can only imagine how different the real Oktoberfest is. Better. The original is always better.
What was not so great about this weekend was coming home from Coloane yesterday to find hundreds of crickets swarming my room. Not cool. Clara's cage had - unbeknownst to me - developed a hole in the netting and the crickets had made a break for it. I have been finding crickets every time I walk into my room and am a little tired of catching them. I did find the hole today and stitch it back up, but it is definitely not my new favorite game.
Also, my hamster died last week. Being a grownup and having to bury your own pet, even if it is a hamster, sucks. He also died in my hands and, ridiculously, I thought of Harry Potter seeing death and then being able to see the threstrals. I wonder if a hamster counts...? Anyway. RIP Izno. You were pretty smart for a hamster and you were an alright pet. Thanks for keeping me busy while I lived here.
Less than two months until I come home. Wow. Have I made a terrible mistake? I'm going to miss this place so much!
Sunday, a coworker and I attended Lusofonia - the Portugese festival Macau holds every year. It was awesome! We had a great time. Good music by the Mozambique band - apparently they, too, were colonized by the Portugese. Who knew? Also, their blackbeans and rice dish - to die for!
The weather has been wonderful lately, so yesterday some friends and I went out to Coloane for lunch on a patio, which was fantastic. Then in the evening we went to Oktoberfest at the MGM. It was an evening complete with beer steins, REAL LIVE GERMAN WAITRESSES (this point was very important to MGM, so I felt it necessary to bold it), a German band that played all your German favorites: The Chicken Dance and Mambo Number 5 among others, as well as your standard sausage, saurkraut, and pretzel fare. It was nice, but I can only imagine how different the real Oktoberfest is. Better. The original is always better.
What was not so great about this weekend was coming home from Coloane yesterday to find hundreds of crickets swarming my room. Not cool. Clara's cage had - unbeknownst to me - developed a hole in the netting and the crickets had made a break for it. I have been finding crickets every time I walk into my room and am a little tired of catching them. I did find the hole today and stitch it back up, but it is definitely not my new favorite game.
Also, my hamster died last week. Being a grownup and having to bury your own pet, even if it is a hamster, sucks. He also died in my hands and, ridiculously, I thought of Harry Potter seeing death and then being able to see the threstrals. I wonder if a hamster counts...? Anyway. RIP Izno. You were pretty smart for a hamster and you were an alright pet. Thanks for keeping me busy while I lived here.
Less than two months until I come home. Wow. Have I made a terrible mistake? I'm going to miss this place so much!
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Things I Do NOT Miss About the States
This post may also be subtitled: The Perks Of Being an Expat.
There's one obvious one: no taxes. True story.
But seriously, being away for the election is one of the best. It's bad enough on facebook people shoving their political views down our throats. I was taught never to discuss politics or religion in polite company and I firmly believe in that old adage. (See Mom, it's almost like I did go to cotillion!) The elections and facebook make me think seriously about whether or not the internet was the downfall of manners and etiquette.
Obviously the internet has its perks, but grammar, letter writing, conversation - these arts are on their way out the door and that hurts my heart.
Having to drive everywhere. I will never ever miss that. I love walking. I love walking to the grocery store and buying only what I can carry two blocks home. The worst part is living in an apartment building on a super busy street and breathing all the exhaust fumes. But it doesn't cancel out the benefits of walking.
Another bonus for being away: I've learned how to eat vegetables. I used to survive on pasta, but when you can't read ingredients on the food you are purchasing and (like me) are concerned about the origins and ingredients of your consummables, you eat vegetables. I have learned to be creative with my meals and live a healthier lifestyle for it.
I learned that phone contracts are bogus. I do not need those incredible expensive contracts and I do not want to be on my phone all the time. Minimal phone cards suffice. Much more practical.
In that same vein, cellular phones are the devil. Especially smart phones. I had a blackberry when I came out here and it killed me to "downgrade" to a basic Nokia. Now, I'm horrified that I'll have to give it up when I move home. People here in Macau are ALWAYS on their phones. The hookers, business people, people eating together, people watching movies IN MOVIE THEATERS, people driving, people walking in front of me on the street preventing my speedwalking, people in the pool for goodness sake. No kidding. In the pool. I will do my best to not be one of those people when I come home. No phones on the table, especially if we're out to dinner. So rude.
I read something while out here that said, "In my day, if something broke we didn't throw it away, we fixed it." I like that. With all the skills I have honed out here, I hope to get back to that way of life. Much more rewarding. More letters, more time outside, more gardening, more conversations, less texting.
There's one obvious one: no taxes. True story.
But seriously, being away for the election is one of the best. It's bad enough on facebook people shoving their political views down our throats. I was taught never to discuss politics or religion in polite company and I firmly believe in that old adage. (See Mom, it's almost like I did go to cotillion!) The elections and facebook make me think seriously about whether or not the internet was the downfall of manners and etiquette.
Obviously the internet has its perks, but grammar, letter writing, conversation - these arts are on their way out the door and that hurts my heart.
Having to drive everywhere. I will never ever miss that. I love walking. I love walking to the grocery store and buying only what I can carry two blocks home. The worst part is living in an apartment building on a super busy street and breathing all the exhaust fumes. But it doesn't cancel out the benefits of walking.
Another bonus for being away: I've learned how to eat vegetables. I used to survive on pasta, but when you can't read ingredients on the food you are purchasing and (like me) are concerned about the origins and ingredients of your consummables, you eat vegetables. I have learned to be creative with my meals and live a healthier lifestyle for it.
I learned that phone contracts are bogus. I do not need those incredible expensive contracts and I do not want to be on my phone all the time. Minimal phone cards suffice. Much more practical.
In that same vein, cellular phones are the devil. Especially smart phones. I had a blackberry when I came out here and it killed me to "downgrade" to a basic Nokia. Now, I'm horrified that I'll have to give it up when I move home. People here in Macau are ALWAYS on their phones. The hookers, business people, people eating together, people watching movies IN MOVIE THEATERS, people driving, people walking in front of me on the street preventing my speedwalking, people in the pool for goodness sake. No kidding. In the pool. I will do my best to not be one of those people when I come home. No phones on the table, especially if we're out to dinner. So rude.
I read something while out here that said, "In my day, if something broke we didn't throw it away, we fixed it." I like that. With all the skills I have honed out here, I hope to get back to that way of life. Much more rewarding. More letters, more time outside, more gardening, more conversations, less texting.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Macau Macoma Part 3
Lessons Learned: Third Edition
Mexican food: outside of the Southern US and Central and South America - not the same. Ever.
If you move to Asia: you can kiss your personal space goodbye. It's in the fine print when you sign a contract to work over here: your personal space no longer belongs to you. Don't look for it, it's not there.
As a matter of force, you must learn to be aggressive and rude whilst living out here. It's not our fault: it's not even their fault. You just have to do it to get ahead in life. Otherwise, people take advantage of your good nature and cut in front of you in lines, steal taxis from you, rip you off, and generally run ramshod all over you. Don't let them!
People, as a rule, are surprising. Just when you lose what little faith you have left in a culture, they redeem themselves. A taxi driver turns the meter off when he brings you the wrong place, a bus stop monitor holds an umbrella over you because you're standing in the rain in your rain coat and your bus is late. Those are the moments that matter, not all of the bad ones in the entire time you're there combined. Life is much too short to hold on to all that bad.
Grey days do not necessarily mean you should stay in bed. Get out and do something. There are far too many of them in Macau to let them go to waste. Grey days can be just as awesome as sunny days!
You affect people more than you know. Sometimes you don't realize how much until it's too late. Keep in mind that you may never know how people truly feel about you: feelings are pretty complex and unpredictable. Bearing that in mind, even if you're not everyone's cup of tea, you are someone's! Treat everyone with kindness because you have no idea what cross they are being made to bear.
ALWAYS look down at the street/sidewalk when walking. Someone's puppy or child may have utilized the space as a toilet and you may or may not step in it. There is also an inordinate amount of vomit that may compete with Bourbon during Mardi Gras. You notice these things when you spend 2.5 years staring at the street.
Grocery stores smell like durian. I don't understand the draw of it, but it is very popular. I have tried it, I do not care for it. The smell permeates everything in the store and if you're unlucky, your other fruit purchases as well.
You might surprise yourself with how adaptable you are. I did. I was pretty sure I wouldn't survive without Mac and Cheese and instead, I flourished. I also realized I was ready for some big life changes - I eat so many more raw foods, I cook with more vegetables than pasta, I drink more water than anything else, I do yoga at least twice a week. The lifestyle I always wanted to live I was more ready to embrace here because why not start over? It worked out for me and I love Macau for that.
Mexican food: outside of the Southern US and Central and South America - not the same. Ever.
If you move to Asia: you can kiss your personal space goodbye. It's in the fine print when you sign a contract to work over here: your personal space no longer belongs to you. Don't look for it, it's not there.
As a matter of force, you must learn to be aggressive and rude whilst living out here. It's not our fault: it's not even their fault. You just have to do it to get ahead in life. Otherwise, people take advantage of your good nature and cut in front of you in lines, steal taxis from you, rip you off, and generally run ramshod all over you. Don't let them!
People, as a rule, are surprising. Just when you lose what little faith you have left in a culture, they redeem themselves. A taxi driver turns the meter off when he brings you the wrong place, a bus stop monitor holds an umbrella over you because you're standing in the rain in your rain coat and your bus is late. Those are the moments that matter, not all of the bad ones in the entire time you're there combined. Life is much too short to hold on to all that bad.
Grey days do not necessarily mean you should stay in bed. Get out and do something. There are far too many of them in Macau to let them go to waste. Grey days can be just as awesome as sunny days!
You affect people more than you know. Sometimes you don't realize how much until it's too late. Keep in mind that you may never know how people truly feel about you: feelings are pretty complex and unpredictable. Bearing that in mind, even if you're not everyone's cup of tea, you are someone's! Treat everyone with kindness because you have no idea what cross they are being made to bear.
ALWAYS look down at the street/sidewalk when walking. Someone's puppy or child may have utilized the space as a toilet and you may or may not step in it. There is also an inordinate amount of vomit that may compete with Bourbon during Mardi Gras. You notice these things when you spend 2.5 years staring at the street.
Grocery stores smell like durian. I don't understand the draw of it, but it is very popular. I have tried it, I do not care for it. The smell permeates everything in the store and if you're unlucky, your other fruit purchases as well.
You might surprise yourself with how adaptable you are. I did. I was pretty sure I wouldn't survive without Mac and Cheese and instead, I flourished. I also realized I was ready for some big life changes - I eat so many more raw foods, I cook with more vegetables than pasta, I drink more water than anything else, I do yoga at least twice a week. The lifestyle I always wanted to live I was more ready to embrace here because why not start over? It worked out for me and I love Macau for that.
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