A Letter for Dominick and Natalie

Dear Dominick,

You have never met me and you probably never will, but I think it is important that you hear about what a wonderful man your grandfather was. I had trouble writing this and it took me a couple of days to get through because I just do not want to admit that he is gone.

I do not have a specific story to tell you, or even a specific memory of him. But if ever there was a beacon of God's grace, it was Robert Chance.

I know he always went out of his way to greet me when I made it to church after a time away because he missed me. Even if it meant we were the last two people standing in a congregation of 700 people. He always made me feel important. I know that I always went out of my way to stand in his receiving line at the end of service for one of his hugs, even in high school, because I knew he cared and I have rarely felt such unconditional love as he freely gave. I cannot emphasize how much he and his friendship mean to me.

He wrote me a couple months ago to ask me to join him in Israel, a trip my family was taking with him. I had to decline because I had already paid for a diving trip to Raja Ampat, but I promised I would see him in December and I asked him to take me next time they journey to the Holy Land. I am filled with regret at not taking the journey to Israel with him. I will never stop regretting that choice. Because it would have meant seeing my friend again, getting another hug, receiving more words of encouragement in an way that only he knows how to give.

My mom said it perfectly: "He had a way of making everyone feel like they had a special relationship with them, that they were his favorite." But every relationship he cultivatedwas special, because he truly cared.

Robert, along with Sherri and Don MacMasters, walked me through two or three years of Disciple while I was in high school. I learned fellowship there. I learned how important small groups are. Those three taught me that adults could be cool, they can be trusted, but most of all, they taught me that adults can be your friends and that is an awe-inspiring thing when you are a teenager. I had a rough time in high school and these three kept me grounded and sane at a time I needed them the most. They inspired faith in me and taught me how to lead a life that would never be easy, but would always be grounded in faith. They taught me that when I needed a light to my path all I had to do was come home and they would provide it, my support network would always be there even if I was not. I was devastated to leave them behind when I graduated, though I think my heart never really did leave them completely. Robert understood kids most of all and I think the people you will come to see he affected most are the kids he mentored all along his path.

Through all of my travels, my time away from home, Robert has always encouraged me. He knew my heart and knew that all I have ever wanted to do is go home. One day. He understands needing to fly before coming home to build a nest. He emailed me to say he was thinking about me and that he was praying for me and it is funny how those emails always seem to come on a day when I needed them the most.

Robert Chance was St. Timothy's UMC to me and I am gutted at the idea of stepping back into that church and knowing I will not see his face. To be honest, I don't know if I can do it. I may not be strong enough. There were times when I doubted the church and I still do because I am human and the church is human and I know enough to know just how fallible a church can be. But Robert was different. He had a gift for people and he was magnetic. His laugh, which I can hear clear as a bell even though it has been almost a year since we last saw each other, his kind eyes, his hugs, his smell - he ALWAYS smelled so good. I can remember many conversations with my friends about his hugs and how good he always smelled. The ubiquitous bow tie. The epitome of a gentleman. The likes of which the world may never know again.

The last couple of times I spoke to Robert, we were emailing back and forth. I had decided to come home from Macau, where I have been working for 2.5 years and he was encouraging. As always. He never stopped believing in me. He promised I would get work and wrote how happy he was to be slowing down. He loved his work and he was good at it, but he was over the moon about his new grandson (you) and wanted to have plenty of time to watch you grow up. I'm sorry he will not get that opportunity.

He was understanding and empathetic. He was practical, honest, and gentle. He was not afraid to cry and sometimes he did, because he felt that much. It made him that much more human, that much stronger in my eyes. He was so fond of his hospital ministry, when he would visit others in the hospital while they were sick, and I can only imagine the countless numbers of people he brought comfort to. His passion for the Lord and for Israel I can remember even back then. I always wanted to take that trip to Israel with him.

But I'm lucky: my mom visited him in the hospital before she left Israel and she was able to tell him I love him. I am so glad he knew how I felt, because he never missed an opportunity to tell me he loved me. She says his work on this earth must have been done for him to be called home so soon, I have to trust that because losing him hurts.

So Robert, if there is anyone waiting for me when my time comes, I would hope it is you. I could do with another one of those hugs right now and I can't wait to see what bow tie they have prepared for you there. I hope it's shiny!

Through all of the deep sadness and tears I and so many others feel right now, I am confident in a few things. Robert Chance was a man of God. Your grandfather loved you. He loved your mom so much. He was incredibly proud of Natalie and she was always the apple of his eye. I can remember him talking about her even when I was much younger and being in awe of how much love he had for his child. He was thrilled when she got married and when he told me that she was expecting you, I could hear the excitement and pride in his email. And I am confident that when we retire from this world and join your Pops in Heaven, he will greet us with a bow tie, a hug, a smile, and maybe even a tear in his eye because he is so proud of us. Don't ever forget how much he loved you.

Thanks for sharing him with us, Natalie. It could not have always been easy, but I hope you know how much he was loved and how many lives he touched!

Love,

Alex Manuel

PS. Bow ties are cool. They were always cool. Everyone can wear a tie, but only a really special person can wear a bow tie and make it look good, like your grandfather. Maybe that is the most important thing to remember: only an incredibly awesome person can rock a bow tie.

Bowties and Hugs

Today, my heart is truly broken.

I had trouble writing this post and it took me a couple of days to get through because I just do not want to admit he's gone.

My dear friend Robert has moved on from this world and gone to be with the Lord. I cannot emphasize how much this man and his friendship mean to me.

I am filled with regret at not taking the journey to Israel with him. I will never stop regretting that choice. Because it would have meant seeing my friend again, getting another hug, receiving more words of encouragement in an way that only he knows how to give.

If ever there was a beacon of God's grace, it was Robert Chance.

My mom said it perfectly: "He had a way of making everyone feel like they had a special relationship with them, that they were his favorite." But every relationship he cultivated was special, because he truly cared.

The last couple of times I spoke to Robert, we were emailing back and forth. I had decided to come home from Macau and he was encouraging. As always. He never stopped believing in me. He promised I would get work and wrote how happy he was to be slowing down. He loved his work, but he was over the moon about his new grandson and wanted to have plenty of time to watch him grow up.

I can't tell you a special story about him, or anything that stands out right now. He was just always there. He guided me through my confirmation, he taught all of my disciple classes with Sherri and Don, he was always there when I came home to give me a hug and went out of his way to greet me when I made it to church after a time away because he missed me. Even if it meant we were the last two people standing. He always made me feel important.

Robert Chance was St. Timothy's UMC to me and I am gutted at the idea of stepping back into that church and knowing I will not see his face. I don't know if I can do it. I may not be strong enough. There were times when I doubted the church and I still do because the church is human and I know enough to know just how fallible a church can be. But Robert was different. He had a gift for people and he was magnetic. His laugh, which I can hear clear as a bell even though it's been almost a year since we last saw each other, his kind eyes, his hugs, his smell. The ubiquitous bow tie. The epitome of a gentleman. The likes of which the world may never know again.

When I was in high school, and having a particularly rough time, Robert made me feel comfortable around adults. He and the MacMasters made me realize that adults can be pretty cool. He was understanding and empathetic. He was practical, honest, and gentle. His passion for the Lord and for Israel I can remember even back then. I always wanted to take that trip to Israel with him and now I'll never have the chance.

But I'm lucky: my mom visited him in the hospital before she left Israel and she told him I loved him. I'm just glad he knew how I felt, because he never missed an opportunity to tell me he loved me.

So Robert, if there is anyone waiting for me when my time comes, I would hope it is you. I could do with another one of those hugs right now and I can't wait to see what bow tie they have prepared for you there. I hope it's shiny!

I thought we had more time. Yet again, time made a fool of me and I am just a hair too late.

It makes me so desperately sad.

The Relentless Year

Since August, I have lost two friends to motorcycle accidents and another was taken seriously ill.

When life gets going, sometimes it just doesn't know how to let up.

Today's friend spotlight is on someone who is very dear to me.

My friend Robert is an amazing man. I've known him since I was young, I can't really remember a time when Robert was not around. He's the associate pastor at our church and has always been there for me. He's always thrilled to see me, asks my parents about me, gives the greatest hugs and the firmest handshakes. He ALWAYS wears a bow tie - which is the ultimate gentleman. Plus, he always smells so good!

Robert, along with Sherri and Don, walked me through two or three years of Disciple while I was in high school. I learned fellowship here. I learned how important small groups are. Those three taught me that adults could be cool, they can be trusted, but most of all, they taught me that adults can be your friends and that is an awe-inspiring thing when you're a teenager. I had a rough time in high school and these three kept me grounded and sane at a time I needed them the most. I was devastated to leave them behind, though I think I never really did.

Through all of my travels, my time away from home, Robert has always encouraged me. He knows my heart and knows that all I have ever wanted to do is go home. One day. He understands needing to fly before coming home to build a nest. He emails me to say he's thinking about me and that he's praying for me and it's funny how those emails always seem to come on a day when I need them the most.

He wrote me a couple months ago to ask me to join him in Israel, a trip my family is on. I had to decline because I had already paid for a diving trip to Raja Ampat, but I promised I would see him in December and I made him promise to take me next time they journey to the Holy Land.

Life sure does know how to toss a mean curve ball, but I was one step ahead of it, for once. You see, when Robert is able to travel home to Louisiana, which I pray is so so soon, I will only be half a heartbeat behind him. Because I know that this is one man that I need to spend more time with.

Those reasons to get home as fast as possible continue to pile up. I will have the wings of Hermes on my feet when I get back from diving. Rarely have I been so eager to move on to the next adventure! And I am so fortunate to be able to spend time with the people in my life I love the most before having to worry about moving on to my next situation. Macau definitely has it's bonuses!

Robert, my bottom line for this post is this: I have been praying harder for you since the moment I found out than I think I ever have in my life. You mean the world to me and I will not stop praying for you until I can get one of those hugs from you. Or maybe this time, I can give you a hug because you have given me so many. I love you, I miss you, and I cannot wait to see you for Christmas!

Thanksgiving 2012

Thanksgivings away from home are not fun.

Last year, I was able to skype with the family, but this year, the family is spread farther and wider than usual. So instead, I made jambalaya from a packet and watched Brothers and Sisters and spent the night crying while I'm packing because Kitty's going through cancer and those episodes were really hard to watch the first time and harder to watch now, when I just want to hug everyone I love. I mean, seriously, I wasn't even drinking.

On that note. Thanksgiving. I think it is such an important holiday. I try to keep a healthy perspective on my life all the time, but I know it's difficult for so many people and it is indeed quite easy to lose sight of the good in all the bad in the world.

No bad today. Only words of good and encouragement.

Today I am thankful for the opportunities I have been blessed with since the day I was told I no longer had a place somewhere I thought would always be there. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. That day opened my eyes to a world beyond the US and I stumbled across this job online as a direct result of that happenstance.

I am thankful that every step I have taken, every decision made in my life has brought me to my here and now.

I am thankful for the perspective I have gained from living over seas and the tolerance for other people's cultures and way of living that I have been blessed to experience.

I am grateful for every person I have met on my journeys near and far. You have all influenced me to be a more empathetic and understanding person.

The world is such a huge place and it can seem so daunting. But my travels have taught me that it is maybe not quite so large as we think. I can see the influence of foreign cultures everywhere and it is so important to understand just how small the internet has made the world.

Above all these things, I am thankful for my family. They are the people who have loved me since before the day I was born. My parents: who have put up with my whims and quibbles and tantrums and tears since way beyond the time it ceased being cute. My grandparents: who are the most amazing and strong people I know. My aunt and uncles: they, too, are so strong and have shown me that divorce is not the end of the world and how powerful life can be beyond something so devastating. My brother and sisters: I am not an easy person with whom to get along. I am headstrong and opionated. Bullish (an Ox, in fact). They have loved me through it all and I look forward to spending time with what I consider to be the world's best family when I get home. I have missed out on a lot since the day I left home four years ago to seek my "fortune" and I have finally realized my fortune was right in front of my face all along.

Today I am thankful to have realized that my true fortune in life was never money. Mine has always been my family and my friends and the people who have shaped me.

Today I am thankful to be going home to those people in such a short time, with the knowledge that my friends I leave behind here in Macau are never more than a heartbeat away.

For Reuben.

At the risk of being maudlin, I need to salute another friend of mine who made an impact on my life and was gone before I realized I needed to tell him how much he influenced me.

Reuben Mitchell and I met when he was beginning his path as an MFA candidate at LSU and I was just entering the BA program as an inexperienced undergrad.

We bonded because we were both new to the program and we found a home at our work study jobs in the scene shop at the LSU theater department. We laughed for hours over the time consuming tasks like building staircases and tearing down sets tied to the back of the shop truck's bumper. We teased Jim Murphy, we bonded with our ATDs JT and Barr, we rode around in the shop truck for hours. We built some amazing things together.

Reuben was a friend.

He bridged boundaries this girl was unsure of and did it so effortlessly. The day the 365 Mafia won the Grammy for "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp"... Reuben went around for weeks maintaining that mantra. He taught me to say it like a sista. His words, not mine. And it is, yo. It's HARD out here for a pimp. He always looked out for me and had a ridiculous joke or a hug to cheer me up on the bad days. I'd like to think that we made a lasting imprint on LSU theater. A life I know is so fleeting, but I also know we were two of a kind. Our group, our peers, we were one of a kind.

One of my fondest LSU memories was the night we all closed Tennessee Williams in Quarter Time. A show directed by John Dennis. We were all terrified to work with him and it was filled with some of my highs and lows from college. One of my highs was that night. We went somewhere fancy, Juban's I think, and then to the Chimes, maybe. Those details are fuzzy. What is not fuzzy is the after party we all had in the basement of the building where our resident artists were being housed at the time. There was a room full of rolling chairs and I will never forget gliding around the room at top speed for hours. It was before digital cameras and Reuben kept rolling by me in his chair screeching "Did you get it? Did you get it?" I got that image. It remains indelibly imprinted in my head. And my heart.

So Reuben. You helped shape my career in theater more than you know. You didn't always want to be at that job, hell, neither did I, but you showed up more than most. You were a friend, a pal, a companion. You attempted to teach me to box (tuck your elbows in, stay low, keep your arms close), see? I retained some of it... I've never known anyone like you and I don't care to ever. Because you broke the mold. 

I salute you, friend. And I sleep tonight knowing you rest easy with the knowledge we have four more years of Obama to turn this country around. 

Thanks for being my friend.

Happy Birthday - Last One in Macau!

We've been dark for the last two weeks and it has been ultra productive. Which I'm grateful for because it's my last one and I want to leave my projects here in good shape. I finished my big project - which is what I set out to do. My secondary project is in good shape. I feel comfortable leaving it like this, just some paper work left to tie up loose ends. (!)

My birthday was yesterday. I worked an 830 to 630 day. Got a surprise day off, so that was SUPER NICE! We went for a couple coronas after work and then we ended up celebrating in true casino town fashion by eating twice our body weight in food and dessert at a buffet! WINNING. Maybe I should go to Vegas for next year's birthday so that I don't feel too much like a fish out of water. Also, the weather turned pleasantly cool, so it isn't unbearable to be outside anymore which was maybe the best present besides the surprise day off!

My old college roommate Kathleen is going to come visit tomorrow, which is exciting and she'll be here for a week to hang out and experience the joys of Macau.

Then I go to Chiang Mai to visit her for a weekend next week.

One week of work, then a two week scuba diving trip to Raja Ampat.

One week of work and a flight home.

It seems so final. I have shipped two boxes of my life and gotten rid of one huge bag of clothing. Now that the dark is over, I can get rid of so much more.

I got nostalgic in the shower today and maybe cried a little. I'm scared to death to move home. To leave my friends, my home, my pet, my job. I love my coworkers, I love working with people who are so different. I love how broad the world is and how much diversity I have learned to embrace.

I am going to miss Macau more than I realized. I do want to find a home and put down roots, but Macau wasn't it.

Good thing I'm going to be busy when I get home!