Can we all pause for a minute and reflect on our choices in life?
Great.
Here's the thing: we all make choices and subsequently live with those choices. Does anyone else live with them? Sometimes. I'm not talking drinking and driving or texting and driving or stealing or anything like that. I'm talking personal choices. Like what we want to be when we grow up or dating or having children.
Whose business is any of these things but our own?
I am at a place in my life where my friends are married: whether getting married or having been married. Kids are in the picture: at least three of my friends had children this year or announced they are expecting. These people have steady jobs, homes, lives.
That is GREAT for them. They are happy, I'm over the moon for them.
But if ONE MORE PERSON in my life asks me when I'm going to get married, or how my mom feels about not having grand children yet, I might just scream at them. Honestly.
DO NOT FORCE ME INTO YOUR COOKIE CUTTER EXISTENCE.
If I have ever given anyone the implication that I am living my life for anyone other than myself, I apologize. That was the wrong message.
Your life stops when you have a kid; you can never live for anyone but that kid ever again and I am not ready to make that sacrifice. Hell, I probably would never be ready for that. I can't even get a puppy because that means no more travelling.
I have no desire to be married at this point in my life. I am distrusting of marrige because the popular opinion today seems to be that marriage is disposable. I, on the other hand, do not view divorce as an option in my life. But even then, I cannot account for the other person. What if one day he wakes up and simply doesn't want to be married any more?
If I had met someone I thought I could spend the rest of my life with, I would probably be married now. Obviously that hasn't happened.
I don't expect everyone to agree with me necessarily, especially when I am so involved in a church environment - that's what people do. Mate and procreate. All I want is for you to maybe stop and think for a second.
...
And stop expecting people to do things your way because it may not be the right way for whomever you are submitting to your ideology.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Friday, November 1, 2013
Second Star to the Right
One day I will stop missing Macau.
Today is not that day.
It pops up in the most random of times: like when I pack a salad for lunch and I think about how much I miss my China tupperware with the rubber ring and the clips on the sides that made it airtight.
Or when I make hummus and it doesn't taste the same without those awesome Portugese chickpeas with the seasoning by Compal.
Or how much I freaking miss Philippine mangoes. That one may NEVER go away. I will miss those forever, I think. America can genetically modify their fruits all they want, but they will never be as good as those damn mangoes.
I went to a Thai restaurant the other day - the green papaya salad was spicy, but more towards ripe papaya salad. I think they missed the memo about "green" and that made me miss Tuk Tuk and their lettuce wraps, pad Thai, and those delicious coconut blended drinks. So. Delicious. It made me laugh though, over the distinction between American Chinese and China Chinese. That must extend to all other foods as well. What I wouldn't give for some Catfish sushi (our favorite in Macau)...
I keep thinking my reentry process is done and then a moment reminds me it was my home.
I miss Clara Chameleon. I wear my necklace from Courtney and Marley all the time and miss them millions.
Part of my problem, I'm sure, is that I'm still living with Mom and Morgan. I LOVE living at home - for the obvious reasons. Free rent, food, my bed is comfy cozy, my dogs and cats are here, there is a laundry facility (at least I do my own laundry, right?). I miss having my own space: room for things. My books on a bookshelf, my paintings on a wall, my comforter on my bed. I need to make this move permanent, or I will continue to mourn what I miss about Macoma.
In that vein, I am talking with a friend about moving to the city in January. She's really cool - Kelli and I have been friends since college and reconnected over the summer. She's going to LSU Nursing and with working more and more over there, not to mention I have always wanted to live in NOLA, it makes sense.
Another reason I'm having a hard time is the adjustment period that comes with any new job. I have been relearning American equipment, which can be tough, and the whole nature of this new job is entirely different from theater/circus. Being in a state of constant production is much more temporary than I am used to. At the circus, during production, we were working toward something that was going to stay up a while. Event production is almost opposite. It's a little like the two week stock I did in summer stock, but even MORE temporary. While I love that every day is new, it can be overwhelming. And finding where I fit in in this new company is a challenge, as well.
I was asked today by one of my bosses what I want to be when I grow up. Does anyone ever really know the answer to that question? Or is it just me?
That being said, (asked..) I was truthful: I have a difficult time thinking that far in advance. But I am happy where I am and I cannot picture myself doing anything else. Still. It all comes back to that lecture Jim gave me all the time in college: If you can picture yourself doing anything else, do it. Because this business will eat you alive otherwise. {I may be paraphrasing there}
But until I can work out whatever is going on up here (motions around head), remember "Second star to the right, and straight on til morning." Think on it - That Peter Pan. He was on to something.
Today is not that day.
It pops up in the most random of times: like when I pack a salad for lunch and I think about how much I miss my China tupperware with the rubber ring and the clips on the sides that made it airtight.
Or when I make hummus and it doesn't taste the same without those awesome Portugese chickpeas with the seasoning by Compal.
Or how much I freaking miss Philippine mangoes. That one may NEVER go away. I will miss those forever, I think. America can genetically modify their fruits all they want, but they will never be as good as those damn mangoes.
I went to a Thai restaurant the other day - the green papaya salad was spicy, but more towards ripe papaya salad. I think they missed the memo about "green" and that made me miss Tuk Tuk and their lettuce wraps, pad Thai, and those delicious coconut blended drinks. So. Delicious. It made me laugh though, over the distinction between American Chinese and China Chinese. That must extend to all other foods as well. What I wouldn't give for some Catfish sushi (our favorite in Macau)...
I keep thinking my reentry process is done and then a moment reminds me it was my home.
I miss Clara Chameleon. I wear my necklace from Courtney and Marley all the time and miss them millions.
Part of my problem, I'm sure, is that I'm still living with Mom and Morgan. I LOVE living at home - for the obvious reasons. Free rent, food, my bed is comfy cozy, my dogs and cats are here, there is a laundry facility (at least I do my own laundry, right?). I miss having my own space: room for things. My books on a bookshelf, my paintings on a wall, my comforter on my bed. I need to make this move permanent, or I will continue to mourn what I miss about Macoma.
In that vein, I am talking with a friend about moving to the city in January. She's really cool - Kelli and I have been friends since college and reconnected over the summer. She's going to LSU Nursing and with working more and more over there, not to mention I have always wanted to live in NOLA, it makes sense.
Another reason I'm having a hard time is the adjustment period that comes with any new job. I have been relearning American equipment, which can be tough, and the whole nature of this new job is entirely different from theater/circus. Being in a state of constant production is much more temporary than I am used to. At the circus, during production, we were working toward something that was going to stay up a while. Event production is almost opposite. It's a little like the two week stock I did in summer stock, but even MORE temporary. While I love that every day is new, it can be overwhelming. And finding where I fit in in this new company is a challenge, as well.
I was asked today by one of my bosses what I want to be when I grow up. Does anyone ever really know the answer to that question? Or is it just me?
That being said, (asked..) I was truthful: I have a difficult time thinking that far in advance. But I am happy where I am and I cannot picture myself doing anything else. Still. It all comes back to that lecture Jim gave me all the time in college: If you can picture yourself doing anything else, do it. Because this business will eat you alive otherwise. {I may be paraphrasing there}
But until I can work out whatever is going on up here (motions around head), remember "Second star to the right, and straight on til morning." Think on it - That Peter Pan. He was on to something.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
My Oh My, Where Has The Time Gone??
I stopped writing, to be honest, because I was bored with my own life. Recent events have changed that about myself.
I got a job! My new job is awesome, I loves it (most of it). Like any job, it has ups and downs, but I am using my degree and working in my chosen field AND... The best part... I get to travel!
In fact, we're on our way to Canada this weekend for a themed 5k. I'm certainly not running, but my new company is producing it, so it will definitely be interesting. My stress level is at Macau-level highs. Remember how Asia turned me into a terrible flier? Yeah. Me too. And it promises to be down right cold in Canada at night and I plan to pack accordingly. I am so not ready for the fall weather that cropped up in Louisiana recently! I sit in my bed typing this in a fleece, longsleeve shirt, slipper boots, and cut offs.
I've been working a lot and though the job is part time, it can be more than 40 hours a week if we have enough going on, so I stay busy. I also have another part time job on Sunday mornings. Regular money rolling in is quite a foreign concept to me, who has not really pulled a decent pay check since December. I covered my monthly expenses for the first time since moving home in September and am most pleased to report that I have finally put a tourniquet on the endless hemmorhage of money! Maybe I can slowly rebuild that nice little nest egg I came home with. Thanks to Macau's never ceasing ability to give (what, I'm not sure...), my money is temporarily trapped there. Our bank lowered their daily tranfer allowance and naturally paperwork is required to "validate" any bank accounts outside of BNU. Even if that other bank account has been attached to my BNU account for over three years.
Really, Macau? And with no notice? It surprises me more that I'm still surprised by things like this.
Oh I bought a car! That was a super big girl purchase! It's the brightest blue I could find and I love it!
That's enough news for now. Dinner time!
I got a job! My new job is awesome, I loves it (most of it). Like any job, it has ups and downs, but I am using my degree and working in my chosen field AND... The best part... I get to travel!
In fact, we're on our way to Canada this weekend for a themed 5k. I'm certainly not running, but my new company is producing it, so it will definitely be interesting. My stress level is at Macau-level highs. Remember how Asia turned me into a terrible flier? Yeah. Me too. And it promises to be down right cold in Canada at night and I plan to pack accordingly. I am so not ready for the fall weather that cropped up in Louisiana recently! I sit in my bed typing this in a fleece, longsleeve shirt, slipper boots, and cut offs.
I've been working a lot and though the job is part time, it can be more than 40 hours a week if we have enough going on, so I stay busy. I also have another part time job on Sunday mornings. Regular money rolling in is quite a foreign concept to me, who has not really pulled a decent pay check since December. I covered my monthly expenses for the first time since moving home in September and am most pleased to report that I have finally put a tourniquet on the endless hemmorhage of money! Maybe I can slowly rebuild that nice little nest egg I came home with. Thanks to Macau's never ceasing ability to give (what, I'm not sure...), my money is temporarily trapped there. Our bank lowered their daily tranfer allowance and naturally paperwork is required to "validate" any bank accounts outside of BNU. Even if that other bank account has been attached to my BNU account for over three years.
Really, Macau? And with no notice? It surprises me more that I'm still surprised by things like this.
Oh I bought a car! That was a super big girl purchase! It's the brightest blue I could find and I love it!
That's enough news for now. Dinner time!
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Pinterest is the Devil
The weather has warmed up quite nicely here in South Louisiana and let me just tell you something: I love it! I am making preparations (after getting a go ahead from the parentals of course) to put in a teeny tiny vegetable garden on the side of our driveway. It's a project we all know I've wanted to do for a long time and I am finally going to do it.
This being the modern age and all, I turn to the internet for help getting started. I'm not sure what to grow and where to grow it. I know I need compost (which we have) and I need seeds. That's about it. I have a selection of herbs growing in pots, but I know they'll take over if I plant them in the bed. The remnants of my last gardening adventure are turning up all over the bed in forms of verbena and bee balm run wild. They are feet from where I planted them 3 years ago. Seriously.
Thinking "Oh, plenty of ideas can be found on Pinterest", I take myself to their gardening section to peruse some ideas while I eat breakfast and drink my coffee. What a terrible idea.
All it did was make me feel inadequate and naive for ever thinking I could undertake this sort of project. People are talking about raised beds they whipped up from scratch with things "lying around the house", beautiful mosaic stepping stones, and more types of hanging planter apparati than I could have ever imagined! Their "small garden plots" are HUGE and neat and beautifully designed. And here I was thinking I could get ideas.
The birdbaths made out of sinks are sparkling white with clean water and shiny mirrors hanging over them not a weed in sight. Nothing has taken over the garden and it all looks completely unnatural.
So obviously, after getting progressively more depressed, I've decided I will not be attempting any of these feats and go about things in my own way. I'm going to plant what I want to plant and do it my way. Some things will take off and some will undoubtedly die a slow, miserable death, BUT. I will learn as I go. It's something that people don't really do any more. In our culture, you're a failure if you don't have all the answers right off the bat. Well, screw that. I don't and I'm going to have more fun learning that way.
Wish me luck! I'm going to buy a book from the bookstore on gardening. Because I need way less options than the internet provides.
This being the modern age and all, I turn to the internet for help getting started. I'm not sure what to grow and where to grow it. I know I need compost (which we have) and I need seeds. That's about it. I have a selection of herbs growing in pots, but I know they'll take over if I plant them in the bed. The remnants of my last gardening adventure are turning up all over the bed in forms of verbena and bee balm run wild. They are feet from where I planted them 3 years ago. Seriously.
Thinking "Oh, plenty of ideas can be found on Pinterest", I take myself to their gardening section to peruse some ideas while I eat breakfast and drink my coffee. What a terrible idea.
All it did was make me feel inadequate and naive for ever thinking I could undertake this sort of project. People are talking about raised beds they whipped up from scratch with things "lying around the house", beautiful mosaic stepping stones, and more types of hanging planter apparati than I could have ever imagined! Their "small garden plots" are HUGE and neat and beautifully designed. And here I was thinking I could get ideas.
The birdbaths made out of sinks are sparkling white with clean water and shiny mirrors hanging over them not a weed in sight. Nothing has taken over the garden and it all looks completely unnatural.
So obviously, after getting progressively more depressed, I've decided I will not be attempting any of these feats and go about things in my own way. I'm going to plant what I want to plant and do it my way. Some things will take off and some will undoubtedly die a slow, miserable death, BUT. I will learn as I go. It's something that people don't really do any more. In our culture, you're a failure if you don't have all the answers right off the bat. Well, screw that. I don't and I'm going to have more fun learning that way.
Wish me luck! I'm going to buy a book from the bookstore on gardening. Because I need way less options than the internet provides.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Inactivity: Thing of the Past
I feel like I finally regained control of my life.
Maybe.
I at least started being proactive instead of waiting for a lightening bolt of clarity to strike me, sitting on my couch for ever.
EIGHT, yeah eight!, applications were sent yesterday. Not really holding my breath for any of them, but I can say I did it and that was the important thing. They're floating out there in the internet email ether and though I may never know if they reached their final destination it feels good to do something again.
I will never be able to fully retire though. I know that now. People like me are not good at being left to their own devices. We need a purpose, a reason to get out of bed in the morning. It's much too easy to sit in bed until 11 every day, waiting for something that may never come.
So if you live overseas and are contemplating coming home, let me put this to you: get a job first. Have something, anything to come back to. Don't set it aside and wait until the perfect thing comes along, because you probably won't recognize it when it does. Rarely do we get something perfect. We have to make it perfect for ourselves. That's the most important thing to remember, I feel like I think about this alot: everything is what we make it. So don't make it suck. Make it more awesome. (To paraphrase my new favorite youtube: Kid President. If you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor and watch it. That kid is amazing!!!)
Kid President's Pep Talk
Maybe.
I at least started being proactive instead of waiting for a lightening bolt of clarity to strike me, sitting on my couch for ever.
EIGHT, yeah eight!, applications were sent yesterday. Not really holding my breath for any of them, but I can say I did it and that was the important thing. They're floating out there in the internet email ether and though I may never know if they reached their final destination it feels good to do something again.
I will never be able to fully retire though. I know that now. People like me are not good at being left to their own devices. We need a purpose, a reason to get out of bed in the morning. It's much too easy to sit in bed until 11 every day, waiting for something that may never come.
So if you live overseas and are contemplating coming home, let me put this to you: get a job first. Have something, anything to come back to. Don't set it aside and wait until the perfect thing comes along, because you probably won't recognize it when it does. Rarely do we get something perfect. We have to make it perfect for ourselves. That's the most important thing to remember, I feel like I think about this alot: everything is what we make it. So don't make it suck. Make it more awesome. (To paraphrase my new favorite youtube: Kid President. If you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor and watch it. That kid is amazing!!!)
Kid President's Pep Talk
Monday, January 28, 2013
Speak Up
Honesty is the best policy, so let's be honest: I am not adjusting well. Now that the wedding is over and out of the way, I feel like I'm paralyzed by the weight of what I have done and the traumatizing cycle of self-inflicted inaction.
Not very clear? I will elaborate.
I quit my job. I have no health insurance. I left my friends and home for the last 2.5 years behind. I live with my mom and little sister again, making me a boomerang child. I have a small pile of money in the bank that is evanescing, seemingly with every heartbeat. I don't have a car and every where in Southeast Louisiana requires one to get to. I have no job prospects. I have no clue what I want to do. Again. This is familiar territory, I have to be honest.
Still no clue how people decide what they want to be when they grow up. I want to hide in my bed and watch my favorite movies for hours on end, eating pints of ice cream and drinking beer after beer after beer.
For those of you who are not familiar with it, let me quote a description of Stage 3 reverse culture shock from a link sent to me by Erin, who has thankfully moved on to Stage 4 of her reassimilation process. To quote the studentsabroad.com handbook on reverse culture shock:
"You may experience feelings of frustration, anger, alienation, loneliness, disorientation, and helplessness and not understand exactly why. You might quickly become irritated or critical of others and of U.S. culture. Depression, feeling like a stranger at home, and the longing to go back abroad are also not uncommon reactions. You may also feel less independent than you were in the country of your choice."
It's like they KNOW! I am all of these things! It doesn't say anything about wanting to eat and drink my feelings, but I think they knew that too. Or maybe that's just my coping mechanism.
Don't get me wrong. I struggled mightily when I moved to China. It was H-A-R-D. Like hard for a very long time. Maybe a year. But once I settled my mind to living there, it was great.
Ok, see, I knew writing this would help. I just heard my own advice in that paragraph. "Settled my mind to living there." Obviously this would intimate that running away again would not make things better. Just different.
Step by step. One decision a day. One email at a time. I will make this work.
If Justin were here, he would read this and play me some wonderful Whitney Houston song that is just perfect for the situation. Probably "Step by Step" in fact. I miss that, but just knowing what my friends would say helps.
Baby steps are all we can do. And tomorrow is a Brand. New. Day. I can get on board with that.
Not very clear? I will elaborate.
I quit my job. I have no health insurance. I left my friends and home for the last 2.5 years behind. I live with my mom and little sister again, making me a boomerang child. I have a small pile of money in the bank that is evanescing, seemingly with every heartbeat. I don't have a car and every where in Southeast Louisiana requires one to get to. I have no job prospects. I have no clue what I want to do. Again. This is familiar territory, I have to be honest.
Still no clue how people decide what they want to be when they grow up. I want to hide in my bed and watch my favorite movies for hours on end, eating pints of ice cream and drinking beer after beer after beer.
For those of you who are not familiar with it, let me quote a description of Stage 3 reverse culture shock from a link sent to me by Erin, who has thankfully moved on to Stage 4 of her reassimilation process. To quote the studentsabroad.com handbook on reverse culture shock:
"You may experience feelings of frustration, anger, alienation, loneliness, disorientation, and helplessness and not understand exactly why. You might quickly become irritated or critical of others and of U.S. culture. Depression, feeling like a stranger at home, and the longing to go back abroad are also not uncommon reactions. You may also feel less independent than you were in the country of your choice."
It's like they KNOW! I am all of these things! It doesn't say anything about wanting to eat and drink my feelings, but I think they knew that too. Or maybe that's just my coping mechanism.
Don't get me wrong. I struggled mightily when I moved to China. It was H-A-R-D. Like hard for a very long time. Maybe a year. But once I settled my mind to living there, it was great.
Ok, see, I knew writing this would help. I just heard my own advice in that paragraph. "Settled my mind to living there." Obviously this would intimate that running away again would not make things better. Just different.
Step by step. One decision a day. One email at a time. I will make this work.
If Justin were here, he would read this and play me some wonderful Whitney Houston song that is just perfect for the situation. Probably "Step by Step" in fact. I miss that, but just knowing what my friends would say helps.
Baby steps are all we can do. And tomorrow is a Brand. New. Day. I can get on board with that.
Friday, January 25, 2013
That. Just. Happened.
So my brother got married this weekend just past. Please refer to title of post.
It started out pretty rocky. Morgan - sister - and Ashley - Jimminy Cricket (my conscience/BFF) - piled in the car across the lake, parked, got through security and to our gate with time to spare. But don't worry, it wouldn't be a trip without some adventure so let's start throwing some in here:
Ashley: Alex, is our flight delayed?
Me (Alex): No, why?
Ashley: My mom just got a call from US Air saying our flight wasn't leaving till 3pm. (It is now roughly 130 and our flight is scheduled to leave around 220pm)
Me: Hmmmm. Well, I guess we'll find out. I'm refusing to stress about it.
And stress I did not. That was huge for me, we should all admit. I did get a little nervous when our pilots began to discuss how flights in and out of Atlanta were screwed due to some massive winter storm that somehow escaped all of our knowledge while we were wedding planning. Fascinating.
Long story short: LOTS of turbulence flying above that massive winter storm to Charlotte and a delay flying out due to weather - lots of rain - but we all made it in one piece, with all our luggage AND all our dresses/ wedding finery. Winning!
We got in late though so Thursday was over except for dinner and a celebratory Corona - my celebrating landing safely twice in one day. There were some moments in the air where I freely admit I was wondering whether the wedding would go on if we died in flight. Have I mentioned 2 years in Asia made me a terrible flier?
Friday was wedding-tastic! A bit of a lie-in, lunch with the beautiful bride (my sister in law now - eek!) Then an attempt to find a cardigan for the evening - how I made it to Lexington without a single cardigan I will NEVER know. I own at least 20. My purple one made it, but it didn't match anything in my trousseau for the weekend. Lame. Finding nothing, we booked it back to the hotel to prepare for the rehearsal dinner. All I'll say is hair washing and stockings take way longer than my average prep time.
At the rehearsal, I cried. She cried. He cried. My mom cried. Her mom cried. Pretty sure we all cried at some point. Then dinner - which was wonderful! I love fried chicken. Can I just say that? Also, thanks Mom for putting me in the corner table. Seriously, if you're planning a wedding and your sister/friends are anything like me/our's it doesn't matter if we're near the head table or not. We'd probably rather not be. So much fun! I learned much about this band - One Direction - from my 10 year old cousin who loves ... Liam best. He's from Ireland. And Harry has a pair of doves tattooed on his chest which one of the four grown twenty-something boys at the table knew. Scary, right? I know.
Sometimes living in China was a godsend. Never thought I'd say it, but give me Canto pop over One Direction trivia any day.
Saturday morning dawned bright and early. I overslept and at 720 had to wash my hair - curly hair sucks when it comes to next day styling - and rush out into the frozen tundra to get ready with Michelle - the bride. All went well until I went on an errand for the maid/matron of honor: deliver the wedding band. To Quentin. I accomplished my mission, took one look at my brother and burst into tears. Which the photographer thought was great. Super. Thanks for that buddy. Because while you're taking pictures of me crying on my baby brother's shoulder, all I can think is my mom saying "You're not a pretty crier. None of us are." She did say that. Fact. I couldn't make this stuff up, it totally writes itself. So can't wait for those pictures to come out.
Anywho. They cried saying their vows, I almost started sobbing in the middle of the ceremony, clutching my hankie and my bouquet trying to discreetly not smudge my mascara OR eyeliner. Neither of which are waterproof because I do love a challenge. Barely made it to the reception in one piece. But the eyeliner and mascara: FLAWLESS. NO CLUE how that happened. The reception was awesome: hot chocolate bar: winning! Hung out with some awesome people and ended the night with a dance party featuring Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, and naturally Ke$ha.
The after party, though, ya'll made the entire trip. Most fun I have had since I moved back from Macau, that is for sure. Also the most fun I will have in a long time I feel certain. Swimming in the pool, then Mexican, then hanging out in the "Business Center" of an under renovation hotel until 330am. Why? Because we got business. So Ashley, Morgan, Jen, Joe, Emily, Matt, Seth, Eric, Caleb, Michael, Wade: Thanks. Let's do that again, but maybe not in Wilmore. Maybe somewhere nearer the gulf coast.
Thanks for braving the elements: the snow, the rain, the wind, the cold, the 14+ hour drive, the knee surgeries, taking time off work/school, the money. I love everyone who made it to that weekend come hell or high water. Ya'll are the awesomest friends/family ever. I do promise, though, never to get married in a northern state in the middle of winter. None of that snow business for me!
It started out pretty rocky. Morgan - sister - and Ashley - Jimminy Cricket (my conscience/BFF) - piled in the car across the lake, parked, got through security and to our gate with time to spare. But don't worry, it wouldn't be a trip without some adventure so let's start throwing some in here:
Ashley: Alex, is our flight delayed?
Me (Alex): No, why?
Ashley: My mom just got a call from US Air saying our flight wasn't leaving till 3pm. (It is now roughly 130 and our flight is scheduled to leave around 220pm)
Me: Hmmmm. Well, I guess we'll find out. I'm refusing to stress about it.
And stress I did not. That was huge for me, we should all admit. I did get a little nervous when our pilots began to discuss how flights in and out of Atlanta were screwed due to some massive winter storm that somehow escaped all of our knowledge while we were wedding planning. Fascinating.
Long story short: LOTS of turbulence flying above that massive winter storm to Charlotte and a delay flying out due to weather - lots of rain - but we all made it in one piece, with all our luggage AND all our dresses/ wedding finery. Winning!
We got in late though so Thursday was over except for dinner and a celebratory Corona - my celebrating landing safely twice in one day. There were some moments in the air where I freely admit I was wondering whether the wedding would go on if we died in flight. Have I mentioned 2 years in Asia made me a terrible flier?
Friday was wedding-tastic! A bit of a lie-in, lunch with the beautiful bride (my sister in law now - eek!) Then an attempt to find a cardigan for the evening - how I made it to Lexington without a single cardigan I will NEVER know. I own at least 20. My purple one made it, but it didn't match anything in my trousseau for the weekend. Lame. Finding nothing, we booked it back to the hotel to prepare for the rehearsal dinner. All I'll say is hair washing and stockings take way longer than my average prep time.
At the rehearsal, I cried. She cried. He cried. My mom cried. Her mom cried. Pretty sure we all cried at some point. Then dinner - which was wonderful! I love fried chicken. Can I just say that? Also, thanks Mom for putting me in the corner table. Seriously, if you're planning a wedding and your sister/friends are anything like me/our's it doesn't matter if we're near the head table or not. We'd probably rather not be. So much fun! I learned much about this band - One Direction - from my 10 year old cousin who loves ... Liam best. He's from Ireland. And Harry has a pair of doves tattooed on his chest which one of the four grown twenty-something boys at the table knew. Scary, right? I know.
Sometimes living in China was a godsend. Never thought I'd say it, but give me Canto pop over One Direction trivia any day.
Saturday morning dawned bright and early. I overslept and at 720 had to wash my hair - curly hair sucks when it comes to next day styling - and rush out into the frozen tundra to get ready with Michelle - the bride. All went well until I went on an errand for the maid/matron of honor: deliver the wedding band. To Quentin. I accomplished my mission, took one look at my brother and burst into tears. Which the photographer thought was great. Super. Thanks for that buddy. Because while you're taking pictures of me crying on my baby brother's shoulder, all I can think is my mom saying "You're not a pretty crier. None of us are." She did say that. Fact. I couldn't make this stuff up, it totally writes itself. So can't wait for those pictures to come out.
Anywho. They cried saying their vows, I almost started sobbing in the middle of the ceremony, clutching my hankie and my bouquet trying to discreetly not smudge my mascara OR eyeliner. Neither of which are waterproof because I do love a challenge. Barely made it to the reception in one piece. But the eyeliner and mascara: FLAWLESS. NO CLUE how that happened. The reception was awesome: hot chocolate bar: winning! Hung out with some awesome people and ended the night with a dance party featuring Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, and naturally Ke$ha.
The after party, though, ya'll made the entire trip. Most fun I have had since I moved back from Macau, that is for sure. Also the most fun I will have in a long time I feel certain. Swimming in the pool, then Mexican, then hanging out in the "Business Center" of an under renovation hotel until 330am. Why? Because we got business. So Ashley, Morgan, Jen, Joe, Emily, Matt, Seth, Eric, Caleb, Michael, Wade: Thanks. Let's do that again, but maybe not in Wilmore. Maybe somewhere nearer the gulf coast.
Thanks for braving the elements: the snow, the rain, the wind, the cold, the 14+ hour drive, the knee surgeries, taking time off work/school, the money. I love everyone who made it to that weekend come hell or high water. Ya'll are the awesomest friends/family ever. I do promise, though, never to get married in a northern state in the middle of winter. None of that snow business for me!
Sometimes you just have the right group of people together at the right time and magic ensues.
The Jameson certainly didn't hurt, though, I can tell you that straight up. At least not in my case!
Thursday, January 10, 2013
New Year, New ... Everything.
New Year's resolutions suck, so I'm not making any.
I really do think I need to switch web hosts. Maybe the next couple of days can be about that.
It is cold here, and rainy. In fact, the weather here sucks. We can go ahead and admit that right now. I forgot what winter was like and the sunshine I enjoyed so much in Raja Ampat was pretty much the last sunshine I saw. Yesterday we had a little, but by the end of the day the clouds had rolled back in and it poured last night. I conveniently forgot that Mandeville weather was so similar to Macau, just SLIGHTLY more stable and definitely less polluted.
Big news here on the home front: I got an adult library card!!! (Yes, that TOTALLY deserves three exclamation points.) If you don't know anything else about me, know that I love to read. A lot. The first time I had really been able to sit down and read was on the boat, in between diving. I read four books in two weeks! That was huge for me. As much as I love to read, books can be few and far between when you live in the pirating and disposable everything capital of the world. Also expensive and they fall apart after one read. Not my type of thing. I bought my iPad for the convenience of reading while travelling without the weight of carrying legit books around. However, I am still a die hard real live book fanatic. I spent a lot of time in the library in highschool and college. I have a library card for the first time in probably ten years!
My latest read, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society was the perfect book to rejoin the world of book lending. It was refreshing and so uplifting. Also, it was honest and I love a book that seems effortless. I laughed out loud, I teared up, and most of all, I cared about the characters. I missed that a lot.
Anywho. We took the dogs for a walk this morning during a break in the rain. It was nice to be outside and it has warmed up, so it was pleasant - not too hot, definitely not cold anymore. The wind was blowing particularly hard down our quiet stretch of road and I thought it was a bus. I still have some adjusting to do to the country life. It sure does beat living above a bar and hearing the music when I'm trying to sleep at night and stepping over piles of vomit on the sidewalk in the morning on my way to work.
I don't miss the drinking or the going out or even having a cell phone. I do miss having my routine, diving every Monday, having a purpose, being able to get around without relying on a car. I also miss my friends. A lot. Being semi-retired is great but quiet when all of your friends are still working. First world problems.
I really do think I need to switch web hosts. Maybe the next couple of days can be about that.
It is cold here, and rainy. In fact, the weather here sucks. We can go ahead and admit that right now. I forgot what winter was like and the sunshine I enjoyed so much in Raja Ampat was pretty much the last sunshine I saw. Yesterday we had a little, but by the end of the day the clouds had rolled back in and it poured last night. I conveniently forgot that Mandeville weather was so similar to Macau, just SLIGHTLY more stable and definitely less polluted.
Big news here on the home front: I got an adult library card!!! (Yes, that TOTALLY deserves three exclamation points.) If you don't know anything else about me, know that I love to read. A lot. The first time I had really been able to sit down and read was on the boat, in between diving. I read four books in two weeks! That was huge for me. As much as I love to read, books can be few and far between when you live in the pirating and disposable everything capital of the world. Also expensive and they fall apart after one read. Not my type of thing. I bought my iPad for the convenience of reading while travelling without the weight of carrying legit books around. However, I am still a die hard real live book fanatic. I spent a lot of time in the library in highschool and college. I have a library card for the first time in probably ten years!
My latest read, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society was the perfect book to rejoin the world of book lending. It was refreshing and so uplifting. Also, it was honest and I love a book that seems effortless. I laughed out loud, I teared up, and most of all, I cared about the characters. I missed that a lot.
Anywho. We took the dogs for a walk this morning during a break in the rain. It was nice to be outside and it has warmed up, so it was pleasant - not too hot, definitely not cold anymore. The wind was blowing particularly hard down our quiet stretch of road and I thought it was a bus. I still have some adjusting to do to the country life. It sure does beat living above a bar and hearing the music when I'm trying to sleep at night and stepping over piles of vomit on the sidewalk in the morning on my way to work.
I don't miss the drinking or the going out or even having a cell phone. I do miss having my routine, diving every Monday, having a purpose, being able to get around without relying on a car. I also miss my friends. A lot. Being semi-retired is great but quiet when all of your friends are still working. First world problems.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
End of Year Review
I made it home! I also survived the crippling jet lag and seemingly endless festivities that apparently went along with celebrating Christmas. Thankfully.
The past few days have been the first times I've really had to sit and think. I've discovered that it's best not to do it too much. I eat a lot. Drink some. I have not decided what this feeling is yet, but I do know the biggest adjustment I am going to have to make now that I am back in the land of the free is my mouth.
I seem to forget on a regular basis that people speak my language here (first of all) and second of all, that we do not necessarily have to scream at the top of our lungs to be heard. That is going to be tough. I think I have already gotten a few choice stares. I know I've embarrassed my friends more than once. Thankfully they love me anyway and encourage me to just be quiet.
I forgot how overwhelming grocery stores can be. I didn't need everything from a grocery in Macau - in fact, I needed very little. Here, I NEED everything!!! I went grocery shopping with Mom yesterday and in addition to there being so many people everywhere I looked, I wanted everything. However, they don't carry Portrait wine or even my Portugese Dao covered in twine. I can pretty much guarantee that if I do find Dao, it's going to be more than 80 MOP. And that makes me sad. But tortilla chips are abundant!
Turns out: shopping is not fun anymore. They play the music too loud now and I hate (have always hated) trying on clothes. I think this means I'm getting old. I would rather buy clothes online - even though it is highly impractical to do so - because I can't stand to be in stores with children running around and screaming and parents ignoring them.
Not sure when I grew up, but I guess that happened.
And so now while I sit watching America's Next Top Model when they filmed an episode in Macau, I laugh because the pollution obscures the sun and these idiots keep exclaiming over how beautiful it is. I miss it, but I miss the people and the wine. The cost of living. Not much else at the moment. Too many projects to do!
Also readjusting to living with Mom and Sister. I miss Sean and our quiet coexistence. Our routines that sometimes merged, but in general, it was just quiet. My home is quiet in the sense that there is no traffic around. We hear insects and bugs out here. Dogs barking occasionally. But my sister talks constantly. That is going to take some getting used to. My brother used to sing all the time, but this is different. I'll need to reach deep for patience.
I need a job. Something to keep me busy and out of the house.
I forgot how overwhelming grocery stores can be. I didn't need everything from a grocery in Macau - in fact, I needed very little. Here, I NEED everything!!! I went grocery shopping with Mom yesterday and in addition to there being so many people everywhere I looked, I wanted everything. However, they don't carry Portrait wine or even my Portugese Dao covered in twine. I can pretty much guarantee that if I do find Dao, it's going to be more than 80 MOP. And that makes me sad. But tortilla chips are abundant!
Turns out: shopping is not fun anymore. They play the music too loud now and I hate (have always hated) trying on clothes. I think this means I'm getting old. I would rather buy clothes online - even though it is highly impractical to do so - because I can't stand to be in stores with children running around and screaming and parents ignoring them.
Not sure when I grew up, but I guess that happened.
And so now while I sit watching America's Next Top Model when they filmed an episode in Macau, I laugh because the pollution obscures the sun and these idiots keep exclaiming over how beautiful it is. I miss it, but I miss the people and the wine. The cost of living. Not much else at the moment. Too many projects to do!
Also readjusting to living with Mom and Sister. I miss Sean and our quiet coexistence. Our routines that sometimes merged, but in general, it was just quiet. My home is quiet in the sense that there is no traffic around. We hear insects and bugs out here. Dogs barking occasionally. But my sister talks constantly. That is going to take some getting used to. My brother used to sing all the time, but this is different. I'll need to reach deep for patience.
I need a job. Something to keep me busy and out of the house.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Last Day at THODW
Today's my last day at THODW. I'm going to miss the hell out of that place. I'm leaving before I hate it because it's been such an amazing journey and part of my life and I don't ever want to resent it or regret it like I have seen people do.
I started here a terrified little girl and now I'm not. Simply. I have new hobbies, new interests, a zeal for traveling, a faith in myself that's new, confidence to travel alone - that's definitely new, most importantly - the most amazing and supportive network of friends from all over the world who will always understand this part of my life. Always. And I have Macau and the people here to thank for all of that.
I might even return to Asia one day. Not immediately, I will need some time to get over this experience and properly mourn my leaving, but I'll come back one day. I need to dive Raja Ampat again, after all.
This experience meant so much to me that I'm ignoring the mounds of crap all over my room to write a the first of what I am sure will be several posts dedicated to how I feel about leaving because I am still trying to work it out for myself.
I'm sad to be leaving the first place I have called home since I moved to LSU. I'm sad to be leaving my yoga classes because they centered me and grounded me and gave me a coping mechanism. I wish I had traveled more - because the world is so big and the slice of it I have explored so tiny in comparison. I am going to miss my coworkers - all 400 of them. Well, maybe most of them. Ok, some of them. They are the most passionate, beautiful, caring, loving people I have ever met. We're a family. Together we acheived some awesome things and I am so proud to say that I was a part of them.
Most of all, I am proud of myself. Because when I got here, I thought I might make it 6 months and then flee home quaking in terror. Instead, I am walking out a member of the creation team for the show, having made it and flourished in my job. I am proud of the work I accomplished, because I did work really hard, as we all did.
No regrets. Not a single, solitary one.
I started here a terrified little girl and now I'm not. Simply. I have new hobbies, new interests, a zeal for traveling, a faith in myself that's new, confidence to travel alone - that's definitely new, most importantly - the most amazing and supportive network of friends from all over the world who will always understand this part of my life. Always. And I have Macau and the people here to thank for all of that.
I might even return to Asia one day. Not immediately, I will need some time to get over this experience and properly mourn my leaving, but I'll come back one day. I need to dive Raja Ampat again, after all.
This experience meant so much to me that I'm ignoring the mounds of crap all over my room to write a the first of what I am sure will be several posts dedicated to how I feel about leaving because I am still trying to work it out for myself.
I'm sad to be leaving the first place I have called home since I moved to LSU. I'm sad to be leaving my yoga classes because they centered me and grounded me and gave me a coping mechanism. I wish I had traveled more - because the world is so big and the slice of it I have explored so tiny in comparison. I am going to miss my coworkers - all 400 of them. Well, maybe most of them. Ok, some of them. They are the most passionate, beautiful, caring, loving people I have ever met. We're a family. Together we acheived some awesome things and I am so proud to say that I was a part of them.
Most of all, I am proud of myself. Because when I got here, I thought I might make it 6 months and then flee home quaking in terror. Instead, I am walking out a member of the creation team for the show, having made it and flourished in my job. I am proud of the work I accomplished, because I did work really hard, as we all did.
No regrets. Not a single, solitary one.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
To My Concerned Readers:
I know you are all sad as my time in Macau draws to a close because that means my lively and entertaining blog that approximately two people (including Justin) read will end.
Have no fear.
I am vacating Macau, but this girl's story is not ending. I'll write as long as I have something to say, which we all know is unlikely to ever change.
I got things to say.
I may change my blog site when I get home and rework some things in my free time, edit entries to include pictures of the things about which I speak and have spoken.
As long as Justin keeps reading, I will write!
Plus, I'm sure readjusting to life post-Macau will have its own adventures relevant to expat living!
Have no fear.
I am vacating Macau, but this girl's story is not ending. I'll write as long as I have something to say, which we all know is unlikely to ever change.
I got things to say.
I may change my blog site when I get home and rework some things in my free time, edit entries to include pictures of the things about which I speak and have spoken.
As long as Justin keeps reading, I will write!
Plus, I'm sure readjusting to life post-Macau will have its own adventures relevant to expat living!
Friday, December 14, 2012
Random Acts
I am preparing to leave Macau. My bags are in the process of being packed, my room is looking like someone tossed it and my first box has already arrived in Mandeville.
Reflecting on my time here: there's been a lot of bad and a lot of tears.
But it's so hard to leave because there has been so much good. I came here to work and instead, I learned how to live.
Life is not about the bad moments, I'm taking away all the good instead.
Macau is not taxi drivers passing me by on the street, but instead the taxi drivers who love when a Westerner gets into their cab so that they can practice their English.
It's not the dreary weather and omnipresent rain clouds; it's the bus attendant on the street who held an umbrella over my head when it was raining and the bus was late and all I had was my raincoat.
Instead of throwing away old clothes or clothes I've never worn, it's giving them to our cleaner from the Philippines who's supporting her family back home on a salary I remember struggling on to provide for myself alone.
It's not the people who can never have enough name brand things; it's the people who go on a diving trip to Indonesia and leave behind everything because the boys on the boat wore the same clothes every day and their gear was worn and we didn't need our's because of closets full of namebrand clothes from Macau and our gear was samples from vendors.
It truly doesn't take much, does it? This life has been so fruitful and so good to me. I am so grateful and so blessed for everything.
Reflecting on my time here: there's been a lot of bad and a lot of tears.
But it's so hard to leave because there has been so much good. I came here to work and instead, I learned how to live.
Life is not about the bad moments, I'm taking away all the good instead.
Macau is not taxi drivers passing me by on the street, but instead the taxi drivers who love when a Westerner gets into their cab so that they can practice their English.
It's not the dreary weather and omnipresent rain clouds; it's the bus attendant on the street who held an umbrella over my head when it was raining and the bus was late and all I had was my raincoat.
Instead of throwing away old clothes or clothes I've never worn, it's giving them to our cleaner from the Philippines who's supporting her family back home on a salary I remember struggling on to provide for myself alone.
It's not the people who can never have enough name brand things; it's the people who go on a diving trip to Indonesia and leave behind everything because the boys on the boat wore the same clothes every day and their gear was worn and we didn't need our's because of closets full of namebrand clothes from Macau and our gear was samples from vendors.
It truly doesn't take much, does it? This life has been so fruitful and so good to me. I am so grateful and so blessed for everything.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
I'm On (Was On...) a Boat...
I just got back from spending 10 days sailing around Indonesia. I know, my life is so hard. I thought this many times as I was lounging on a deck chair wrapped in a fresh towel after a dive with a cold bottle of water in my hand sailing across the most beautiful water I have ever seen. Try to picture it, if you will.
After a hellish week, I wasn't sure I wanted to go. And let me clear the air, this trip has been planned and paid for since April. I have been looking forward to this since I started diving lessons 15 months ago. Raja Ampat is an awesome dive area. But with Robert and everything going on in life, it took every ounce of will in my body to drag myself 24 hours to Sorong, Indonesia - AKA the middle of nowhere - to get on a boat and forget everything for a while.
Never looked back.
I love the water, I always have. I like floating in it, on it, being on a boat, sea spray in my face. I like skipping my feet in the wake of a boat. I like listening to it, seeing it, watching it. I like the feeling of being weightless and being underwater for an hour at a time is the best way I could think of to spend my time. Diving is like yoga, once I get underwater, I don't think about anything but what I see and breathing. I can't, it's just not possible.
We were flying out of HK in the early afternoon, so I woke up early to finish checking my packing and my kit and to run up to the theater to print my ferry ticket which I booked, but neglected to print. It had been a tough week. The journey wasn't easy. Much like Boracay, if you want to get to the good places, you have to be motivated.
Taxi from apartment to ferry terminal. Ferry from Taipa to HK. One plane from HK to Jakarta. Shuttle from International to Domestic. One plane from Jakarta to Makassar. Run to connection because plane was delayed. Pray your bags made it with you. One plane from Makassar to Sorong. 20 hours since you left home and you've arrived. Gone is the dark, dreary wintry weather Macau/HK were showering your way. Hello to BLUE skies, white puffy clouds, warm breezes, and the smell of the ocean. I couldn't make this stuff up, it really just writes itself!
Take no notice of the fact that the Sorong arrival area is - ahem - lacking in facilities. That's a clue that you might be in the right place. Who cares if the luggage conveyor belt appears to be moving at the speed of a gentleman peddling a bike out back to operate it? And if your luggage appears dead last, minutes behind everyone elses that is the least of your worries, because you made it, your gear made it, and guess what. One more taxi ride to go, then get on a speed boat. That liveaboard and a dream await!
After a hellish week, I wasn't sure I wanted to go. And let me clear the air, this trip has been planned and paid for since April. I have been looking forward to this since I started diving lessons 15 months ago. Raja Ampat is an awesome dive area. But with Robert and everything going on in life, it took every ounce of will in my body to drag myself 24 hours to Sorong, Indonesia - AKA the middle of nowhere - to get on a boat and forget everything for a while.
Never looked back.
I love the water, I always have. I like floating in it, on it, being on a boat, sea spray in my face. I like skipping my feet in the wake of a boat. I like listening to it, seeing it, watching it. I like the feeling of being weightless and being underwater for an hour at a time is the best way I could think of to spend my time. Diving is like yoga, once I get underwater, I don't think about anything but what I see and breathing. I can't, it's just not possible.
We were flying out of HK in the early afternoon, so I woke up early to finish checking my packing and my kit and to run up to the theater to print my ferry ticket which I booked, but neglected to print. It had been a tough week. The journey wasn't easy. Much like Boracay, if you want to get to the good places, you have to be motivated.
Taxi from apartment to ferry terminal. Ferry from Taipa to HK. One plane from HK to Jakarta. Shuttle from International to Domestic. One plane from Jakarta to Makassar. Run to connection because plane was delayed. Pray your bags made it with you. One plane from Makassar to Sorong. 20 hours since you left home and you've arrived. Gone is the dark, dreary wintry weather Macau/HK were showering your way. Hello to BLUE skies, white puffy clouds, warm breezes, and the smell of the ocean. I couldn't make this stuff up, it really just writes itself!
Take no notice of the fact that the Sorong arrival area is - ahem - lacking in facilities. That's a clue that you might be in the right place. Who cares if the luggage conveyor belt appears to be moving at the speed of a gentleman peddling a bike out back to operate it? And if your luggage appears dead last, minutes behind everyone elses that is the least of your worries, because you made it, your gear made it, and guess what. One more taxi ride to go, then get on a speed boat. That liveaboard and a dream await!
Friday, November 30, 2012
A Letter for Dominick and Natalie
Dear Dominick,
You have never met me and you probably never will, but I think it is important that you hear about what a wonderful man your grandfather was. I had trouble writing this and it took me a couple of days to get through because I just do not want to admit that he is gone.
I do not have a specific story to tell you, or even a specific memory of him. But if ever there was a beacon of God's grace, it was Robert Chance.
I know he always went out of his way to greet me when I made it to church after a time away because he missed me. Even if it meant we were the last two people standing in a congregation of 700 people. He always made me feel important. I know that I always went out of my way to stand in his receiving line at the end of service for one of his hugs, even in high school, because I knew he cared and I have rarely felt such unconditional love as he freely gave. I cannot emphasize how much he and his friendship mean to me.
He wrote me a couple months ago to ask me to join him in Israel, a trip my family was taking with him. I had to decline because I had already paid for a diving trip to Raja Ampat, but I promised I would see him in December and I asked him to take me next time they journey to the Holy Land. I am filled with regret at not taking the journey to Israel with him. I will never stop regretting that choice. Because it would have meant seeing my friend again, getting another hug, receiving more words of encouragement in an way that only he knows how to give.
My mom said it perfectly: "He had a way of making everyone feel like they had a special relationship with them, that they were his favorite." But every relationship he cultivatedwas special, because he truly cared.
Robert, along with Sherri and Don MacMasters, walked me through two or three years of Disciple while I was in high school. I learned fellowship there. I learned how important small groups are. Those three taught me that adults could be cool, they can be trusted, but most of all, they taught me that adults can be your friends and that is an awe-inspiring thing when you are a teenager. I had a rough time in high school and these three kept me grounded and sane at a time I needed them the most. They inspired faith in me and taught me how to lead a life that would never be easy, but would always be grounded in faith. They taught me that when I needed a light to my path all I had to do was come home and they would provide it, my support network would always be there even if I was not. I was devastated to leave them behind when I graduated, though I think my heart never really did leave them completely. Robert understood kids most of all and I think the people you will come to see he affected most are the kids he mentored all along his path.
Through all of my travels, my time away from home, Robert has always encouraged me. He knew my heart and knew that all I have ever wanted to do is go home. One day. He understands needing to fly before coming home to build a nest. He emailed me to say he was thinking about me and that he was praying for me and it is funny how those emails always seem to come on a day when I needed them the most.
Robert Chance was St. Timothy's UMC to me and I am gutted at the idea of stepping back into that church and knowing I will not see his face. To be honest, I don't know if I can do it. I may not be strong enough. There were times when I doubted the church and I still do because I am human and the church is human and I know enough to know just how fallible a church can be. But Robert was different. He had a gift for people and he was magnetic. His laugh, which I can hear clear as a bell even though it has been almost a year since we last saw each other, his kind eyes, his hugs, his smell - he ALWAYS smelled so good. I can remember many conversations with my friends about his hugs and how good he always smelled. The ubiquitous bow tie. The epitome of a gentleman. The likes of which the world may never know again.
The last couple of times I spoke to Robert, we were emailing back and forth. I had decided to come home from Macau, where I have been working for 2.5 years and he was encouraging. As always. He never stopped believing in me. He promised I would get work and wrote how happy he was to be slowing down. He loved his work and he was good at it, but he was over the moon about his new grandson (you) and wanted to have plenty of time to watch you grow up. I'm sorry he will not get that opportunity.
He was understanding and empathetic. He was practical, honest, and gentle. He was not afraid to cry and sometimes he did, because he felt that much. It made him that much more human, that much stronger in my eyes. He was so fond of his hospital ministry, when he would visit others in the hospital while they were sick, and I can only imagine the countless numbers of people he brought comfort to. His passion for the Lord and for Israel I can remember even back then. I always wanted to take that trip to Israel with him.
But I'm lucky: my mom visited him in the hospital before she left Israel and she was able to tell him I love him. I am so glad he knew how I felt, because he never missed an opportunity to tell me he loved me. She says his work on this earth must have been done for him to be called home so soon, I have to trust that because losing him hurts.
So Robert, if there is anyone waiting for me when my time comes, I would hope it is you. I could do with another one of those hugs right now and I can't wait to see what bow tie they have prepared for you there. I hope it's shiny!
Through all of the deep sadness and tears I and so many others feel right now, I am confident in a few things. Robert Chance was a man of God. Your grandfather loved you. He loved your mom so much. He was incredibly proud of Natalie and she was always the apple of his eye. I can remember him talking about her even when I was much younger and being in awe of how much love he had for his child. He was thrilled when she got married and when he told me that she was expecting you, I could hear the excitement and pride in his email. And I am confident that when we retire from this world and join your Pops in Heaven, he will greet us with a bow tie, a hug, a smile, and maybe even a tear in his eye because he is so proud of us. Don't ever forget how much he loved you.
Thanks for sharing him with us, Natalie. It could not have always been easy, but I hope you know how much he was loved and how many lives he touched!
Love,
Alex Manuel
PS. Bow ties are cool. They were always cool. Everyone can wear a tie, but only a really special person can wear a bow tie and make it look good, like your grandfather. Maybe that is the most important thing to remember: only an incredibly awesome person can rock a bow tie.
You have never met me and you probably never will, but I think it is important that you hear about what a wonderful man your grandfather was. I had trouble writing this and it took me a couple of days to get through because I just do not want to admit that he is gone.
I do not have a specific story to tell you, or even a specific memory of him. But if ever there was a beacon of God's grace, it was Robert Chance.
I know he always went out of his way to greet me when I made it to church after a time away because he missed me. Even if it meant we were the last two people standing in a congregation of 700 people. He always made me feel important. I know that I always went out of my way to stand in his receiving line at the end of service for one of his hugs, even in high school, because I knew he cared and I have rarely felt such unconditional love as he freely gave. I cannot emphasize how much he and his friendship mean to me.
He wrote me a couple months ago to ask me to join him in Israel, a trip my family was taking with him. I had to decline because I had already paid for a diving trip to Raja Ampat, but I promised I would see him in December and I asked him to take me next time they journey to the Holy Land. I am filled with regret at not taking the journey to Israel with him. I will never stop regretting that choice. Because it would have meant seeing my friend again, getting another hug, receiving more words of encouragement in an way that only he knows how to give.
My mom said it perfectly: "He had a way of making everyone feel like they had a special relationship with them, that they were his favorite." But every relationship he cultivatedwas special, because he truly cared.
Robert, along with Sherri and Don MacMasters, walked me through two or three years of Disciple while I was in high school. I learned fellowship there. I learned how important small groups are. Those three taught me that adults could be cool, they can be trusted, but most of all, they taught me that adults can be your friends and that is an awe-inspiring thing when you are a teenager. I had a rough time in high school and these three kept me grounded and sane at a time I needed them the most. They inspired faith in me and taught me how to lead a life that would never be easy, but would always be grounded in faith. They taught me that when I needed a light to my path all I had to do was come home and they would provide it, my support network would always be there even if I was not. I was devastated to leave them behind when I graduated, though I think my heart never really did leave them completely. Robert understood kids most of all and I think the people you will come to see he affected most are the kids he mentored all along his path.
Through all of my travels, my time away from home, Robert has always encouraged me. He knew my heart and knew that all I have ever wanted to do is go home. One day. He understands needing to fly before coming home to build a nest. He emailed me to say he was thinking about me and that he was praying for me and it is funny how those emails always seem to come on a day when I needed them the most.
Robert Chance was St. Timothy's UMC to me and I am gutted at the idea of stepping back into that church and knowing I will not see his face. To be honest, I don't know if I can do it. I may not be strong enough. There were times when I doubted the church and I still do because I am human and the church is human and I know enough to know just how fallible a church can be. But Robert was different. He had a gift for people and he was magnetic. His laugh, which I can hear clear as a bell even though it has been almost a year since we last saw each other, his kind eyes, his hugs, his smell - he ALWAYS smelled so good. I can remember many conversations with my friends about his hugs and how good he always smelled. The ubiquitous bow tie. The epitome of a gentleman. The likes of which the world may never know again.
The last couple of times I spoke to Robert, we were emailing back and forth. I had decided to come home from Macau, where I have been working for 2.5 years and he was encouraging. As always. He never stopped believing in me. He promised I would get work and wrote how happy he was to be slowing down. He loved his work and he was good at it, but he was over the moon about his new grandson (you) and wanted to have plenty of time to watch you grow up. I'm sorry he will not get that opportunity.
He was understanding and empathetic. He was practical, honest, and gentle. He was not afraid to cry and sometimes he did, because he felt that much. It made him that much more human, that much stronger in my eyes. He was so fond of his hospital ministry, when he would visit others in the hospital while they were sick, and I can only imagine the countless numbers of people he brought comfort to. His passion for the Lord and for Israel I can remember even back then. I always wanted to take that trip to Israel with him.
But I'm lucky: my mom visited him in the hospital before she left Israel and she was able to tell him I love him. I am so glad he knew how I felt, because he never missed an opportunity to tell me he loved me. She says his work on this earth must have been done for him to be called home so soon, I have to trust that because losing him hurts.
So Robert, if there is anyone waiting for me when my time comes, I would hope it is you. I could do with another one of those hugs right now and I can't wait to see what bow tie they have prepared for you there. I hope it's shiny!
Through all of the deep sadness and tears I and so many others feel right now, I am confident in a few things. Robert Chance was a man of God. Your grandfather loved you. He loved your mom so much. He was incredibly proud of Natalie and she was always the apple of his eye. I can remember him talking about her even when I was much younger and being in awe of how much love he had for his child. He was thrilled when she got married and when he told me that she was expecting you, I could hear the excitement and pride in his email. And I am confident that when we retire from this world and join your Pops in Heaven, he will greet us with a bow tie, a hug, a smile, and maybe even a tear in his eye because he is so proud of us. Don't ever forget how much he loved you.
Thanks for sharing him with us, Natalie. It could not have always been easy, but I hope you know how much he was loved and how many lives he touched!
Love,
Alex Manuel
PS. Bow ties are cool. They were always cool. Everyone can wear a tie, but only a really special person can wear a bow tie and make it look good, like your grandfather. Maybe that is the most important thing to remember: only an incredibly awesome person can rock a bow tie.
Bowties and Hugs
Today, my heart is truly broken.
I had trouble writing this post and it took me a couple of days to get through because I just do not want to admit he's gone.
My dear friend Robert has moved on from this world and gone to be with the Lord. I cannot emphasize how much this man and his friendship mean to me.
I am filled with regret at not taking the journey to Israel with him. I will never stop regretting that choice. Because it would have meant seeing my friend again, getting another hug, receiving more words of encouragement in an way that only he knows how to give.
If ever there was a beacon of God's grace, it was Robert Chance.
My mom said it perfectly: "He had a way of making everyone feel like they had a special relationship with them, that they were his favorite." But every relationship he cultivated was special, because he truly cared.
The last couple of times I spoke to Robert, we were emailing back and forth. I had decided to come home from Macau and he was encouraging. As always. He never stopped believing in me. He promised I would get work and wrote how happy he was to be slowing down. He loved his work, but he was over the moon about his new grandson and wanted to have plenty of time to watch him grow up.
I can't tell you a special story about him, or anything that stands out right now. He was just always there. He guided me through my confirmation, he taught all of my disciple classes with Sherri and Don, he was always there when I came home to give me a hug and went out of his way to greet me when I made it to church after a time away because he missed me. Even if it meant we were the last two people standing. He always made me feel important.
Robert Chance was St. Timothy's UMC to me and I am gutted at the idea of stepping back into that church and knowing I will not see his face. I don't know if I can do it. I may not be strong enough. There were times when I doubted the church and I still do because the church is human and I know enough to know just how fallible a church can be. But Robert was different. He had a gift for people and he was magnetic. His laugh, which I can hear clear as a bell even though it's been almost a year since we last saw each other, his kind eyes, his hugs, his smell. The ubiquitous bow tie. The epitome of a gentleman. The likes of which the world may never know again.
When I was in high school, and having a particularly rough time, Robert made me feel comfortable around adults. He and the MacMasters made me realize that adults can be pretty cool. He was understanding and empathetic. He was practical, honest, and gentle. His passion for the Lord and for Israel I can remember even back then. I always wanted to take that trip to Israel with him and now I'll never have the chance.
But I'm lucky: my mom visited him in the hospital before she left Israel and she told him I loved him. I'm just glad he knew how I felt, because he never missed an opportunity to tell me he loved me.
So Robert, if there is anyone waiting for me when my time comes, I would hope it is you. I could do with another one of those hugs right now and I can't wait to see what bow tie they have prepared for you there. I hope it's shiny!
I thought we had more time. Yet again, time made a fool of me and I am just a hair too late.
It makes me so desperately sad.
I had trouble writing this post and it took me a couple of days to get through because I just do not want to admit he's gone.
My dear friend Robert has moved on from this world and gone to be with the Lord. I cannot emphasize how much this man and his friendship mean to me.
I am filled with regret at not taking the journey to Israel with him. I will never stop regretting that choice. Because it would have meant seeing my friend again, getting another hug, receiving more words of encouragement in an way that only he knows how to give.
If ever there was a beacon of God's grace, it was Robert Chance.
My mom said it perfectly: "He had a way of making everyone feel like they had a special relationship with them, that they were his favorite." But every relationship he cultivated was special, because he truly cared.
The last couple of times I spoke to Robert, we were emailing back and forth. I had decided to come home from Macau and he was encouraging. As always. He never stopped believing in me. He promised I would get work and wrote how happy he was to be slowing down. He loved his work, but he was over the moon about his new grandson and wanted to have plenty of time to watch him grow up.
I can't tell you a special story about him, or anything that stands out right now. He was just always there. He guided me through my confirmation, he taught all of my disciple classes with Sherri and Don, he was always there when I came home to give me a hug and went out of his way to greet me when I made it to church after a time away because he missed me. Even if it meant we were the last two people standing. He always made me feel important.
Robert Chance was St. Timothy's UMC to me and I am gutted at the idea of stepping back into that church and knowing I will not see his face. I don't know if I can do it. I may not be strong enough. There were times when I doubted the church and I still do because the church is human and I know enough to know just how fallible a church can be. But Robert was different. He had a gift for people and he was magnetic. His laugh, which I can hear clear as a bell even though it's been almost a year since we last saw each other, his kind eyes, his hugs, his smell. The ubiquitous bow tie. The epitome of a gentleman. The likes of which the world may never know again.
When I was in high school, and having a particularly rough time, Robert made me feel comfortable around adults. He and the MacMasters made me realize that adults can be pretty cool. He was understanding and empathetic. He was practical, honest, and gentle. His passion for the Lord and for Israel I can remember even back then. I always wanted to take that trip to Israel with him and now I'll never have the chance.
But I'm lucky: my mom visited him in the hospital before she left Israel and she told him I loved him. I'm just glad he knew how I felt, because he never missed an opportunity to tell me he loved me.
So Robert, if there is anyone waiting for me when my time comes, I would hope it is you. I could do with another one of those hugs right now and I can't wait to see what bow tie they have prepared for you there. I hope it's shiny!
I thought we had more time. Yet again, time made a fool of me and I am just a hair too late.
It makes me so desperately sad.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
The Relentless Year
Since August, I have lost two friends to motorcycle accidents and another was taken seriously ill.
When life gets going, sometimes it just doesn't know how to let up.
Today's friend spotlight is on someone who is very dear to me.
My friend Robert is an amazing man. I've known him since I was young, I can't really remember a time when Robert was not around. He's the associate pastor at our church and has always been there for me. He's always thrilled to see me, asks my parents about me, gives the greatest hugs and the firmest handshakes. He ALWAYS wears a bow tie - which is the ultimate gentleman. Plus, he always smells so good!
Robert, along with Sherri and Don, walked me through two or three years of Disciple while I was in high school. I learned fellowship here. I learned how important small groups are. Those three taught me that adults could be cool, they can be trusted, but most of all, they taught me that adults can be your friends and that is an awe-inspiring thing when you're a teenager. I had a rough time in high school and these three kept me grounded and sane at a time I needed them the most. I was devastated to leave them behind, though I think I never really did.
Through all of my travels, my time away from home, Robert has always encouraged me. He knows my heart and knows that all I have ever wanted to do is go home. One day. He understands needing to fly before coming home to build a nest. He emails me to say he's thinking about me and that he's praying for me and it's funny how those emails always seem to come on a day when I need them the most.
He wrote me a couple months ago to ask me to join him in Israel, a trip my family is on. I had to decline because I had already paid for a diving trip to Raja Ampat, but I promised I would see him in December and I made him promise to take me next time they journey to the Holy Land.
Life sure does know how to toss a mean curve ball, but I was one step ahead of it, for once. You see, when Robert is able to travel home to Louisiana, which I pray is so so soon, I will only be half a heartbeat behind him. Because I know that this is one man that I need to spend more time with.
Those reasons to get home as fast as possible continue to pile up. I will have the wings of Hermes on my feet when I get back from diving. Rarely have I been so eager to move on to the next adventure! And I am so fortunate to be able to spend time with the people in my life I love the most before having to worry about moving on to my next situation. Macau definitely has it's bonuses!
Robert, my bottom line for this post is this: I have been praying harder for you since the moment I found out than I think I ever have in my life. You mean the world to me and I will not stop praying for you until I can get one of those hugs from you. Or maybe this time, I can give you a hug because you have given me so many. I love you, I miss you, and I cannot wait to see you for Christmas!
When life gets going, sometimes it just doesn't know how to let up.
Today's friend spotlight is on someone who is very dear to me.
My friend Robert is an amazing man. I've known him since I was young, I can't really remember a time when Robert was not around. He's the associate pastor at our church and has always been there for me. He's always thrilled to see me, asks my parents about me, gives the greatest hugs and the firmest handshakes. He ALWAYS wears a bow tie - which is the ultimate gentleman. Plus, he always smells so good!
Robert, along with Sherri and Don, walked me through two or three years of Disciple while I was in high school. I learned fellowship here. I learned how important small groups are. Those three taught me that adults could be cool, they can be trusted, but most of all, they taught me that adults can be your friends and that is an awe-inspiring thing when you're a teenager. I had a rough time in high school and these three kept me grounded and sane at a time I needed them the most. I was devastated to leave them behind, though I think I never really did.
Through all of my travels, my time away from home, Robert has always encouraged me. He knows my heart and knows that all I have ever wanted to do is go home. One day. He understands needing to fly before coming home to build a nest. He emails me to say he's thinking about me and that he's praying for me and it's funny how those emails always seem to come on a day when I need them the most.
He wrote me a couple months ago to ask me to join him in Israel, a trip my family is on. I had to decline because I had already paid for a diving trip to Raja Ampat, but I promised I would see him in December and I made him promise to take me next time they journey to the Holy Land.
Life sure does know how to toss a mean curve ball, but I was one step ahead of it, for once. You see, when Robert is able to travel home to Louisiana, which I pray is so so soon, I will only be half a heartbeat behind him. Because I know that this is one man that I need to spend more time with.
Those reasons to get home as fast as possible continue to pile up. I will have the wings of Hermes on my feet when I get back from diving. Rarely have I been so eager to move on to the next adventure! And I am so fortunate to be able to spend time with the people in my life I love the most before having to worry about moving on to my next situation. Macau definitely has it's bonuses!
Robert, my bottom line for this post is this: I have been praying harder for you since the moment I found out than I think I ever have in my life. You mean the world to me and I will not stop praying for you until I can get one of those hugs from you. Or maybe this time, I can give you a hug because you have given me so many. I love you, I miss you, and I cannot wait to see you for Christmas!
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Thanksgiving 2012
Thanksgivings away from home are not fun.
Last year, I was able to skype with the family, but this year, the family is spread farther and wider than usual. So instead, I made jambalaya from a packet and watched Brothers and Sisters and spent the night crying while I'm packing because Kitty's going through cancer and those episodes were really hard to watch the first time and harder to watch now, when I just want to hug everyone I love. I mean, seriously, I wasn't even drinking.
On that note. Thanksgiving. I think it is such an important holiday. I try to keep a healthy perspective on my life all the time, but I know it's difficult for so many people and it is indeed quite easy to lose sight of the good in all the bad in the world.
No bad today. Only words of good and encouragement.
Today I am thankful for the opportunities I have been blessed with since the day I was told I no longer had a place somewhere I thought would always be there. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. That day opened my eyes to a world beyond the US and I stumbled across this job online as a direct result of that happenstance.
I am thankful that every step I have taken, every decision made in my life has brought me to my here and now.
I am thankful for the perspective I have gained from living over seas and the tolerance for other people's cultures and way of living that I have been blessed to experience.
I am grateful for every person I have met on my journeys near and far. You have all influenced me to be a more empathetic and understanding person.
The world is such a huge place and it can seem so daunting. But my travels have taught me that it is maybe not quite so large as we think. I can see the influence of foreign cultures everywhere and it is so important to understand just how small the internet has made the world.
Above all these things, I am thankful for my family. They are the people who have loved me since before the day I was born. My parents: who have put up with my whims and quibbles and tantrums and tears since way beyond the time it ceased being cute. My grandparents: who are the most amazing and strong people I know. My aunt and uncles: they, too, are so strong and have shown me that divorce is not the end of the world and how powerful life can be beyond something so devastating. My brother and sisters: I am not an easy person with whom to get along. I am headstrong and opionated. Bullish (an Ox, in fact). They have loved me through it all and I look forward to spending time with what I consider to be the world's best family when I get home. I have missed out on a lot since the day I left home four years ago to seek my "fortune" and I have finally realized my fortune was right in front of my face all along.
Today I am thankful to have realized that my true fortune in life was never money. Mine has always been my family and my friends and the people who have shaped me.
Today I am thankful to be going home to those people in such a short time, with the knowledge that my friends I leave behind here in Macau are never more than a heartbeat away.
Last year, I was able to skype with the family, but this year, the family is spread farther and wider than usual. So instead, I made jambalaya from a packet and watched Brothers and Sisters and spent the night crying while I'm packing because Kitty's going through cancer and those episodes were really hard to watch the first time and harder to watch now, when I just want to hug everyone I love. I mean, seriously, I wasn't even drinking.
On that note. Thanksgiving. I think it is such an important holiday. I try to keep a healthy perspective on my life all the time, but I know it's difficult for so many people and it is indeed quite easy to lose sight of the good in all the bad in the world.
No bad today. Only words of good and encouragement.
Today I am thankful for the opportunities I have been blessed with since the day I was told I no longer had a place somewhere I thought would always be there. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. That day opened my eyes to a world beyond the US and I stumbled across this job online as a direct result of that happenstance.
I am thankful that every step I have taken, every decision made in my life has brought me to my here and now.
I am thankful for the perspective I have gained from living over seas and the tolerance for other people's cultures and way of living that I have been blessed to experience.
I am grateful for every person I have met on my journeys near and far. You have all influenced me to be a more empathetic and understanding person.
The world is such a huge place and it can seem so daunting. But my travels have taught me that it is maybe not quite so large as we think. I can see the influence of foreign cultures everywhere and it is so important to understand just how small the internet has made the world.
Above all these things, I am thankful for my family. They are the people who have loved me since before the day I was born. My parents: who have put up with my whims and quibbles and tantrums and tears since way beyond the time it ceased being cute. My grandparents: who are the most amazing and strong people I know. My aunt and uncles: they, too, are so strong and have shown me that divorce is not the end of the world and how powerful life can be beyond something so devastating. My brother and sisters: I am not an easy person with whom to get along. I am headstrong and opionated. Bullish (an Ox, in fact). They have loved me through it all and I look forward to spending time with what I consider to be the world's best family when I get home. I have missed out on a lot since the day I left home four years ago to seek my "fortune" and I have finally realized my fortune was right in front of my face all along.
Today I am thankful to have realized that my true fortune in life was never money. Mine has always been my family and my friends and the people who have shaped me.
Today I am thankful to be going home to those people in such a short time, with the knowledge that my friends I leave behind here in Macau are never more than a heartbeat away.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
For Reuben.
At the risk of being maudlin, I need to salute another friend of mine who made an impact on my life and was gone before I realized I needed to tell him how much he influenced me.
Reuben Mitchell and I met when he was beginning his path as an MFA candidate at LSU and I was just entering the BA program as an inexperienced undergrad.
We bonded because we were both new to the program and we found a home at our work study jobs in the scene shop at the LSU theater department. We laughed for hours over the time consuming tasks like building staircases and tearing down sets tied to the back of the shop truck's bumper. We teased Jim Murphy, we bonded with our ATDs JT and Barr, we rode around in the shop truck for hours. We built some amazing things together.
Reuben was a friend.
He bridged boundaries this girl was unsure of and did it so effortlessly. The day the 365 Mafia won the Grammy for "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp"... Reuben went around for weeks maintaining that mantra. He taught me to say it like a sista. His words, not mine. And it is, yo. It's HARD out here for a pimp. He always looked out for me and had a ridiculous joke or a hug to cheer me up on the bad days. I'd like to think that we made a lasting imprint on LSU theater. A life I know is so fleeting, but I also know we were two of a kind. Our group, our peers, we were one of a kind.
One of my fondest LSU memories was the night we all closed Tennessee Williams in Quarter Time. A show directed by John Dennis. We were all terrified to work with him and it was filled with some of my highs and lows from college. One of my highs was that night. We went somewhere fancy, Juban's I think, and then to the Chimes, maybe. Those details are fuzzy. What is not fuzzy is the after party we all had in the basement of the building where our resident artists were being housed at the time. There was a room full of rolling chairs and I will never forget gliding around the room at top speed for hours. It was before digital cameras and Reuben kept rolling by me in his chair screeching "Did you get it? Did you get it?" I got that image. It remains indelibly imprinted in my head. And my heart.
So Reuben. You helped shape my career in theater more than you know. You didn't always want to be at that job, hell, neither did I, but you showed up more than most. You were a friend, a pal, a companion. You attempted to teach me to box (tuck your elbows in, stay low, keep your arms close), see? I retained some of it... I've never known anyone like you and I don't care to ever. Because you broke the mold.
I salute you, friend. And I sleep tonight knowing you rest easy with the knowledge we have four more years of Obama to turn this country around.
Thanks for being my friend.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Happy Birthday - Last One in Macau!
We've been dark for the last two weeks and it has been ultra productive. Which I'm grateful for because it's my last one and I want to leave my projects here in good shape. I finished my big project - which is what I set out to do. My secondary project is in good shape. I feel comfortable leaving it like this, just some paper work left to tie up loose ends. (!)
My birthday was yesterday. I worked an 830 to 630 day. Got a surprise day off, so that was SUPER NICE! We went for a couple coronas after work and then we ended up celebrating in true casino town fashion by eating twice our body weight in food and dessert at a buffet! WINNING. Maybe I should go to Vegas for next year's birthday so that I don't feel too much like a fish out of water. Also, the weather turned pleasantly cool, so it isn't unbearable to be outside anymore which was maybe the best present besides the surprise day off!
My old college roommate Kathleen is going to come visit tomorrow, which is exciting and she'll be here for a week to hang out and experience the joys of Macau.
Then I go to Chiang Mai to visit her for a weekend next week.
One week of work, then a two week scuba diving trip to Raja Ampat.
One week of work and a flight home.
It seems so final. I have shipped two boxes of my life and gotten rid of one huge bag of clothing. Now that the dark is over, I can get rid of so much more.
I got nostalgic in the shower today and maybe cried a little. I'm scared to death to move home. To leave my friends, my home, my pet, my job. I love my coworkers, I love working with people who are so different. I love how broad the world is and how much diversity I have learned to embrace.
I am going to miss Macau more than I realized. I do want to find a home and put down roots, but Macau wasn't it.
Good thing I'm going to be busy when I get home!
My birthday was yesterday. I worked an 830 to 630 day. Got a surprise day off, so that was SUPER NICE! We went for a couple coronas after work and then we ended up celebrating in true casino town fashion by eating twice our body weight in food and dessert at a buffet! WINNING. Maybe I should go to Vegas for next year's birthday so that I don't feel too much like a fish out of water. Also, the weather turned pleasantly cool, so it isn't unbearable to be outside anymore which was maybe the best present besides the surprise day off!
My old college roommate Kathleen is going to come visit tomorrow, which is exciting and she'll be here for a week to hang out and experience the joys of Macau.
Then I go to Chiang Mai to visit her for a weekend next week.
One week of work, then a two week scuba diving trip to Raja Ampat.
One week of work and a flight home.
It seems so final. I have shipped two boxes of my life and gotten rid of one huge bag of clothing. Now that the dark is over, I can get rid of so much more.
I got nostalgic in the shower today and maybe cried a little. I'm scared to death to move home. To leave my friends, my home, my pet, my job. I love my coworkers, I love working with people who are so different. I love how broad the world is and how much diversity I have learned to embrace.
I am going to miss Macau more than I realized. I do want to find a home and put down roots, but Macau wasn't it.
Good thing I'm going to be busy when I get home!
Sunday, October 28, 2012
In the Blink of an Eye
Funny how life changes, isn't it?
I was just sitting here thinking how bone-achingly tired I am and I can't help but wonder, "what am I doing here?"
I have always been so driven, so motivated, so goal-oriented and when I reached what I thought was my end all be all, I have realized maybe I was always chasing some ephemeral dream. Dreams change, goals change. It just took me awhile to realize that I was not going to find my new dreams here in Macau.
Once upon a time I was going to be a dancer. Then an actress. A marine biologist. A history professor. An art conservationist. A curator. I thought about being an architect and a history professor. A lighting designer. I settled on a theatrical electrician for the present.
I have always heard, "Money doesn't buy happiness." I thought, "It couldn't hurt..." Truth be told, I have money. It didn't.
I struggle every day. Every single day I fight an internal battle about letting go and letting my life take the course and shape it is meant to. How do you know when you get where you are supposed to be? Do you ever know?
Not that I am discontented with my life. Never. I sometimes wish I had gone a different route, but it is always fleeting and it is an emotion very different from regret.
So what do I want to be when I grow up? Not sure. People ask me pretty much every day, "What are you going to do when you leave?" I tell them, "I don't know. I just want to be for awhile."
I have been on the go for the last twenty years of my life. I want to stop and read books, garden, cook, take a class, go to museums, take leisurely trips, hang out with my grandparents and hear more of their stories. Mostly I want to have a life.
I always thought I had one and now I am realizing that maybe all the time I was striving toward achieving my next big adventure, I had what I wanted in front of me the whole time.
That is not to say, of course, that I will be settling down to lead a quiet, mundane life. Only that I will not let it go this long between recharging my mental batteries in the place I will always call home again.
I was just sitting here thinking how bone-achingly tired I am and I can't help but wonder, "what am I doing here?"
I have always been so driven, so motivated, so goal-oriented and when I reached what I thought was my end all be all, I have realized maybe I was always chasing some ephemeral dream. Dreams change, goals change. It just took me awhile to realize that I was not going to find my new dreams here in Macau.
Once upon a time I was going to be a dancer. Then an actress. A marine biologist. A history professor. An art conservationist. A curator. I thought about being an architect and a history professor. A lighting designer. I settled on a theatrical electrician for the present.
I have always heard, "Money doesn't buy happiness." I thought, "It couldn't hurt..." Truth be told, I have money. It didn't.
I struggle every day. Every single day I fight an internal battle about letting go and letting my life take the course and shape it is meant to. How do you know when you get where you are supposed to be? Do you ever know?
Not that I am discontented with my life. Never. I sometimes wish I had gone a different route, but it is always fleeting and it is an emotion very different from regret.
So what do I want to be when I grow up? Not sure. People ask me pretty much every day, "What are you going to do when you leave?" I tell them, "I don't know. I just want to be for awhile."
I have been on the go for the last twenty years of my life. I want to stop and read books, garden, cook, take a class, go to museums, take leisurely trips, hang out with my grandparents and hear more of their stories. Mostly I want to have a life.
I always thought I had one and now I am realizing that maybe all the time I was striving toward achieving my next big adventure, I had what I wanted in front of me the whole time.
That is not to say, of course, that I will be settling down to lead a quiet, mundane life. Only that I will not let it go this long between recharging my mental batteries in the place I will always call home again.
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