In the Blink of an Eye

Funny how life changes, isn't it?

I was just sitting here thinking how bone-achingly tired I am and I can't help but wonder, "what am I doing here?"

I have always been so driven, so motivated, so goal-oriented and when I reached what I thought was my end all be all, I have realized maybe I was always chasing some ephemeral dream.  Dreams change, goals change. It just took me awhile to realize that I was not going to find my new dreams here in Macau.

Once upon a time I was going to be a dancer. Then an actress.  A marine biologist. A history professor. An art conservationist. A curator. I thought about being an architect and a history professor. A lighting designer. I settled on a theatrical electrician for the present.

I have always heard, "Money doesn't buy happiness." I thought, "It couldn't hurt..." Truth be told, I have money. It didn't.

I struggle every day. Every single day I fight an internal battle about letting go and letting my life take the course and shape it is meant to. How do you know when you get where you are supposed to be? Do you ever know?

Not that I am discontented with my life. Never. I sometimes wish I had gone a different route, but it is always fleeting and it is an emotion very different from regret.

So what do I want to be when I grow up? Not sure. People ask me pretty much every day, "What are you going to do when you leave?" I tell them, "I don't know. I just want to be for awhile."

I have been on the go for the last twenty years of my life. I want to stop and read books, garden, cook, take a class, go to museums, take leisurely trips, hang out with my grandparents and hear more of their stories. Mostly I want to have a life.

I always thought I had one and now I am realizing that maybe all the time I was striving toward achieving my next big adventure, I had what I wanted in front of me the whole time.

That is not to say, of course, that I will be settling down to lead a quiet, mundane life. Only that I will not let it go this long between recharging my mental batteries in the place I will always call home again.