Honesty is the best policy, so let's be honest: I am not adjusting well. Now that the wedding is over and out of the way, I feel like I'm paralyzed by the weight of what I have done and the traumatizing cycle of self-inflicted inaction.
Not very clear? I will elaborate.
I quit my job. I have no health insurance. I left my friends and home for the last 2.5 years behind. I live with my mom and little sister again, making me a boomerang child. I have a small pile of money in the bank that is evanescing, seemingly with every heartbeat. I don't have a car and every where in Southeast Louisiana requires one to get to. I have no job prospects. I have no clue what I want to do. Again. This is familiar territory, I have to be honest.
Still no clue how people decide what they want to be when they grow up. I want to hide in my bed and watch my favorite movies for hours on end, eating pints of ice cream and drinking beer after beer after beer.
For those of you who are not familiar with it, let me quote a description of Stage 3 reverse culture shock from a link sent to me by Erin, who has thankfully moved on to Stage 4 of her reassimilation process. To quote the studentsabroad.com handbook on reverse culture shock:
"You may experience feelings of frustration, anger, alienation, loneliness, disorientation, and helplessness and not understand exactly why. You might quickly become irritated or critical of others and of U.S. culture. Depression, feeling like a stranger at home, and the longing to go back abroad are also not uncommon reactions. You may also feel less independent than you were in the country of your choice."
It's like they KNOW! I am all of these things! It doesn't say anything about wanting to eat and drink my feelings, but I think they knew that too. Or maybe that's just my coping mechanism.
Don't get me wrong. I struggled mightily when I moved to China. It was H-A-R-D. Like hard for a very long time. Maybe a year. But once I settled my mind to living there, it was great.
Ok, see, I knew writing this would help. I just heard my own advice in that paragraph. "Settled my mind to living there." Obviously this would intimate that running away again would not make things better. Just different.
Step by step. One decision a day. One email at a time. I will make this work.
If Justin were here, he would read this and play me some wonderful Whitney Houston song that is just perfect for the situation. Probably "Step by Step" in fact. I miss that, but just knowing what my friends would say helps.
Baby steps are all we can do. And tomorrow is a Brand. New. Day. I can get on board with that.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
That. Just. Happened.
So my brother got married this weekend just past. Please refer to title of post.
It started out pretty rocky. Morgan - sister - and Ashley - Jimminy Cricket (my conscience/BFF) - piled in the car across the lake, parked, got through security and to our gate with time to spare. But don't worry, it wouldn't be a trip without some adventure so let's start throwing some in here:
Ashley: Alex, is our flight delayed?
Me (Alex): No, why?
Ashley: My mom just got a call from US Air saying our flight wasn't leaving till 3pm. (It is now roughly 130 and our flight is scheduled to leave around 220pm)
Me: Hmmmm. Well, I guess we'll find out. I'm refusing to stress about it.
And stress I did not. That was huge for me, we should all admit. I did get a little nervous when our pilots began to discuss how flights in and out of Atlanta were screwed due to some massive winter storm that somehow escaped all of our knowledge while we were wedding planning. Fascinating.
Long story short: LOTS of turbulence flying above that massive winter storm to Charlotte and a delay flying out due to weather - lots of rain - but we all made it in one piece, with all our luggage AND all our dresses/ wedding finery. Winning!
We got in late though so Thursday was over except for dinner and a celebratory Corona - my celebrating landing safely twice in one day. There were some moments in the air where I freely admit I was wondering whether the wedding would go on if we died in flight. Have I mentioned 2 years in Asia made me a terrible flier?
Friday was wedding-tastic! A bit of a lie-in, lunch with the beautiful bride (my sister in law now - eek!) Then an attempt to find a cardigan for the evening - how I made it to Lexington without a single cardigan I will NEVER know. I own at least 20. My purple one made it, but it didn't match anything in my trousseau for the weekend. Lame. Finding nothing, we booked it back to the hotel to prepare for the rehearsal dinner. All I'll say is hair washing and stockings take way longer than my average prep time.
At the rehearsal, I cried. She cried. He cried. My mom cried. Her mom cried. Pretty sure we all cried at some point. Then dinner - which was wonderful! I love fried chicken. Can I just say that? Also, thanks Mom for putting me in the corner table. Seriously, if you're planning a wedding and your sister/friends are anything like me/our's it doesn't matter if we're near the head table or not. We'd probably rather not be. So much fun! I learned much about this band - One Direction - from my 10 year old cousin who loves ... Liam best. He's from Ireland. And Harry has a pair of doves tattooed on his chest which one of the four grown twenty-something boys at the table knew. Scary, right? I know.
Sometimes living in China was a godsend. Never thought I'd say it, but give me Canto pop over One Direction trivia any day.
Saturday morning dawned bright and early. I overslept and at 720 had to wash my hair - curly hair sucks when it comes to next day styling - and rush out into the frozen tundra to get ready with Michelle - the bride. All went well until I went on an errand for the maid/matron of honor: deliver the wedding band. To Quentin. I accomplished my mission, took one look at my brother and burst into tears. Which the photographer thought was great. Super. Thanks for that buddy. Because while you're taking pictures of me crying on my baby brother's shoulder, all I can think is my mom saying "You're not a pretty crier. None of us are." She did say that. Fact. I couldn't make this stuff up, it totally writes itself. So can't wait for those pictures to come out.
Anywho. They cried saying their vows, I almost started sobbing in the middle of the ceremony, clutching my hankie and my bouquet trying to discreetly not smudge my mascara OR eyeliner. Neither of which are waterproof because I do love a challenge. Barely made it to the reception in one piece. But the eyeliner and mascara: FLAWLESS. NO CLUE how that happened. The reception was awesome: hot chocolate bar: winning! Hung out with some awesome people and ended the night with a dance party featuring Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, and naturally Ke$ha.
The after party, though, ya'll made the entire trip. Most fun I have had since I moved back from Macau, that is for sure. Also the most fun I will have in a long time I feel certain. Swimming in the pool, then Mexican, then hanging out in the "Business Center" of an under renovation hotel until 330am. Why? Because we got business. So Ashley, Morgan, Jen, Joe, Emily, Matt, Seth, Eric, Caleb, Michael, Wade: Thanks. Let's do that again, but maybe not in Wilmore. Maybe somewhere nearer the gulf coast.
Thanks for braving the elements: the snow, the rain, the wind, the cold, the 14+ hour drive, the knee surgeries, taking time off work/school, the money. I love everyone who made it to that weekend come hell or high water. Ya'll are the awesomest friends/family ever. I do promise, though, never to get married in a northern state in the middle of winter. None of that snow business for me!
It started out pretty rocky. Morgan - sister - and Ashley - Jimminy Cricket (my conscience/BFF) - piled in the car across the lake, parked, got through security and to our gate with time to spare. But don't worry, it wouldn't be a trip without some adventure so let's start throwing some in here:
Ashley: Alex, is our flight delayed?
Me (Alex): No, why?
Ashley: My mom just got a call from US Air saying our flight wasn't leaving till 3pm. (It is now roughly 130 and our flight is scheduled to leave around 220pm)
Me: Hmmmm. Well, I guess we'll find out. I'm refusing to stress about it.
And stress I did not. That was huge for me, we should all admit. I did get a little nervous when our pilots began to discuss how flights in and out of Atlanta were screwed due to some massive winter storm that somehow escaped all of our knowledge while we were wedding planning. Fascinating.
Long story short: LOTS of turbulence flying above that massive winter storm to Charlotte and a delay flying out due to weather - lots of rain - but we all made it in one piece, with all our luggage AND all our dresses/ wedding finery. Winning!
We got in late though so Thursday was over except for dinner and a celebratory Corona - my celebrating landing safely twice in one day. There were some moments in the air where I freely admit I was wondering whether the wedding would go on if we died in flight. Have I mentioned 2 years in Asia made me a terrible flier?
Friday was wedding-tastic! A bit of a lie-in, lunch with the beautiful bride (my sister in law now - eek!) Then an attempt to find a cardigan for the evening - how I made it to Lexington without a single cardigan I will NEVER know. I own at least 20. My purple one made it, but it didn't match anything in my trousseau for the weekend. Lame. Finding nothing, we booked it back to the hotel to prepare for the rehearsal dinner. All I'll say is hair washing and stockings take way longer than my average prep time.
At the rehearsal, I cried. She cried. He cried. My mom cried. Her mom cried. Pretty sure we all cried at some point. Then dinner - which was wonderful! I love fried chicken. Can I just say that? Also, thanks Mom for putting me in the corner table. Seriously, if you're planning a wedding and your sister/friends are anything like me/our's it doesn't matter if we're near the head table or not. We'd probably rather not be. So much fun! I learned much about this band - One Direction - from my 10 year old cousin who loves ... Liam best. He's from Ireland. And Harry has a pair of doves tattooed on his chest which one of the four grown twenty-something boys at the table knew. Scary, right? I know.
Sometimes living in China was a godsend. Never thought I'd say it, but give me Canto pop over One Direction trivia any day.
Saturday morning dawned bright and early. I overslept and at 720 had to wash my hair - curly hair sucks when it comes to next day styling - and rush out into the frozen tundra to get ready with Michelle - the bride. All went well until I went on an errand for the maid/matron of honor: deliver the wedding band. To Quentin. I accomplished my mission, took one look at my brother and burst into tears. Which the photographer thought was great. Super. Thanks for that buddy. Because while you're taking pictures of me crying on my baby brother's shoulder, all I can think is my mom saying "You're not a pretty crier. None of us are." She did say that. Fact. I couldn't make this stuff up, it totally writes itself. So can't wait for those pictures to come out.
Anywho. They cried saying their vows, I almost started sobbing in the middle of the ceremony, clutching my hankie and my bouquet trying to discreetly not smudge my mascara OR eyeliner. Neither of which are waterproof because I do love a challenge. Barely made it to the reception in one piece. But the eyeliner and mascara: FLAWLESS. NO CLUE how that happened. The reception was awesome: hot chocolate bar: winning! Hung out with some awesome people and ended the night with a dance party featuring Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, and naturally Ke$ha.
The after party, though, ya'll made the entire trip. Most fun I have had since I moved back from Macau, that is for sure. Also the most fun I will have in a long time I feel certain. Swimming in the pool, then Mexican, then hanging out in the "Business Center" of an under renovation hotel until 330am. Why? Because we got business. So Ashley, Morgan, Jen, Joe, Emily, Matt, Seth, Eric, Caleb, Michael, Wade: Thanks. Let's do that again, but maybe not in Wilmore. Maybe somewhere nearer the gulf coast.
Thanks for braving the elements: the snow, the rain, the wind, the cold, the 14+ hour drive, the knee surgeries, taking time off work/school, the money. I love everyone who made it to that weekend come hell or high water. Ya'll are the awesomest friends/family ever. I do promise, though, never to get married in a northern state in the middle of winter. None of that snow business for me!
Sometimes you just have the right group of people together at the right time and magic ensues.
The Jameson certainly didn't hurt, though, I can tell you that straight up. At least not in my case!
Thursday, January 10, 2013
New Year, New ... Everything.
New Year's resolutions suck, so I'm not making any.
I really do think I need to switch web hosts. Maybe the next couple of days can be about that.
It is cold here, and rainy. In fact, the weather here sucks. We can go ahead and admit that right now. I forgot what winter was like and the sunshine I enjoyed so much in Raja Ampat was pretty much the last sunshine I saw. Yesterday we had a little, but by the end of the day the clouds had rolled back in and it poured last night. I conveniently forgot that Mandeville weather was so similar to Macau, just SLIGHTLY more stable and definitely less polluted.
Big news here on the home front: I got an adult library card!!! (Yes, that TOTALLY deserves three exclamation points.) If you don't know anything else about me, know that I love to read. A lot. The first time I had really been able to sit down and read was on the boat, in between diving. I read four books in two weeks! That was huge for me. As much as I love to read, books can be few and far between when you live in the pirating and disposable everything capital of the world. Also expensive and they fall apart after one read. Not my type of thing. I bought my iPad for the convenience of reading while travelling without the weight of carrying legit books around. However, I am still a die hard real live book fanatic. I spent a lot of time in the library in highschool and college. I have a library card for the first time in probably ten years!
My latest read, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society was the perfect book to rejoin the world of book lending. It was refreshing and so uplifting. Also, it was honest and I love a book that seems effortless. I laughed out loud, I teared up, and most of all, I cared about the characters. I missed that a lot.
Anywho. We took the dogs for a walk this morning during a break in the rain. It was nice to be outside and it has warmed up, so it was pleasant - not too hot, definitely not cold anymore. The wind was blowing particularly hard down our quiet stretch of road and I thought it was a bus. I still have some adjusting to do to the country life. It sure does beat living above a bar and hearing the music when I'm trying to sleep at night and stepping over piles of vomit on the sidewalk in the morning on my way to work.
I don't miss the drinking or the going out or even having a cell phone. I do miss having my routine, diving every Monday, having a purpose, being able to get around without relying on a car. I also miss my friends. A lot. Being semi-retired is great but quiet when all of your friends are still working. First world problems.
I really do think I need to switch web hosts. Maybe the next couple of days can be about that.
It is cold here, and rainy. In fact, the weather here sucks. We can go ahead and admit that right now. I forgot what winter was like and the sunshine I enjoyed so much in Raja Ampat was pretty much the last sunshine I saw. Yesterday we had a little, but by the end of the day the clouds had rolled back in and it poured last night. I conveniently forgot that Mandeville weather was so similar to Macau, just SLIGHTLY more stable and definitely less polluted.
Big news here on the home front: I got an adult library card!!! (Yes, that TOTALLY deserves three exclamation points.) If you don't know anything else about me, know that I love to read. A lot. The first time I had really been able to sit down and read was on the boat, in between diving. I read four books in two weeks! That was huge for me. As much as I love to read, books can be few and far between when you live in the pirating and disposable everything capital of the world. Also expensive and they fall apart after one read. Not my type of thing. I bought my iPad for the convenience of reading while travelling without the weight of carrying legit books around. However, I am still a die hard real live book fanatic. I spent a lot of time in the library in highschool and college. I have a library card for the first time in probably ten years!
My latest read, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society was the perfect book to rejoin the world of book lending. It was refreshing and so uplifting. Also, it was honest and I love a book that seems effortless. I laughed out loud, I teared up, and most of all, I cared about the characters. I missed that a lot.
Anywho. We took the dogs for a walk this morning during a break in the rain. It was nice to be outside and it has warmed up, so it was pleasant - not too hot, definitely not cold anymore. The wind was blowing particularly hard down our quiet stretch of road and I thought it was a bus. I still have some adjusting to do to the country life. It sure does beat living above a bar and hearing the music when I'm trying to sleep at night and stepping over piles of vomit on the sidewalk in the morning on my way to work.
I don't miss the drinking or the going out or even having a cell phone. I do miss having my routine, diving every Monday, having a purpose, being able to get around without relying on a car. I also miss my friends. A lot. Being semi-retired is great but quiet when all of your friends are still working. First world problems.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
End of Year Review
I made it home! I also survived the crippling jet lag and seemingly endless festivities that apparently went along with celebrating Christmas. Thankfully.
The past few days have been the first times I've really had to sit and think. I've discovered that it's best not to do it too much. I eat a lot. Drink some. I have not decided what this feeling is yet, but I do know the biggest adjustment I am going to have to make now that I am back in the land of the free is my mouth.
I seem to forget on a regular basis that people speak my language here (first of all) and second of all, that we do not necessarily have to scream at the top of our lungs to be heard. That is going to be tough. I think I have already gotten a few choice stares. I know I've embarrassed my friends more than once. Thankfully they love me anyway and encourage me to just be quiet.
I forgot how overwhelming grocery stores can be. I didn't need everything from a grocery in Macau - in fact, I needed very little. Here, I NEED everything!!! I went grocery shopping with Mom yesterday and in addition to there being so many people everywhere I looked, I wanted everything. However, they don't carry Portrait wine or even my Portugese Dao covered in twine. I can pretty much guarantee that if I do find Dao, it's going to be more than 80 MOP. And that makes me sad. But tortilla chips are abundant!
Turns out: shopping is not fun anymore. They play the music too loud now and I hate (have always hated) trying on clothes. I think this means I'm getting old. I would rather buy clothes online - even though it is highly impractical to do so - because I can't stand to be in stores with children running around and screaming and parents ignoring them.
Not sure when I grew up, but I guess that happened.
And so now while I sit watching America's Next Top Model when they filmed an episode in Macau, I laugh because the pollution obscures the sun and these idiots keep exclaiming over how beautiful it is. I miss it, but I miss the people and the wine. The cost of living. Not much else at the moment. Too many projects to do!
Also readjusting to living with Mom and Sister. I miss Sean and our quiet coexistence. Our routines that sometimes merged, but in general, it was just quiet. My home is quiet in the sense that there is no traffic around. We hear insects and bugs out here. Dogs barking occasionally. But my sister talks constantly. That is going to take some getting used to. My brother used to sing all the time, but this is different. I'll need to reach deep for patience.
I need a job. Something to keep me busy and out of the house.
I forgot how overwhelming grocery stores can be. I didn't need everything from a grocery in Macau - in fact, I needed very little. Here, I NEED everything!!! I went grocery shopping with Mom yesterday and in addition to there being so many people everywhere I looked, I wanted everything. However, they don't carry Portrait wine or even my Portugese Dao covered in twine. I can pretty much guarantee that if I do find Dao, it's going to be more than 80 MOP. And that makes me sad. But tortilla chips are abundant!
Turns out: shopping is not fun anymore. They play the music too loud now and I hate (have always hated) trying on clothes. I think this means I'm getting old. I would rather buy clothes online - even though it is highly impractical to do so - because I can't stand to be in stores with children running around and screaming and parents ignoring them.
Not sure when I grew up, but I guess that happened.
And so now while I sit watching America's Next Top Model when they filmed an episode in Macau, I laugh because the pollution obscures the sun and these idiots keep exclaiming over how beautiful it is. I miss it, but I miss the people and the wine. The cost of living. Not much else at the moment. Too many projects to do!
Also readjusting to living with Mom and Sister. I miss Sean and our quiet coexistence. Our routines that sometimes merged, but in general, it was just quiet. My home is quiet in the sense that there is no traffic around. We hear insects and bugs out here. Dogs barking occasionally. But my sister talks constantly. That is going to take some getting used to. My brother used to sing all the time, but this is different. I'll need to reach deep for patience.
I need a job. Something to keep me busy and out of the house.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Last Day at THODW
Today's my last day at THODW. I'm going to miss the hell out of that place. I'm leaving before I hate it because it's been such an amazing journey and part of my life and I don't ever want to resent it or regret it like I have seen people do.
I started here a terrified little girl and now I'm not. Simply. I have new hobbies, new interests, a zeal for traveling, a faith in myself that's new, confidence to travel alone - that's definitely new, most importantly - the most amazing and supportive network of friends from all over the world who will always understand this part of my life. Always. And I have Macau and the people here to thank for all of that.
I might even return to Asia one day. Not immediately, I will need some time to get over this experience and properly mourn my leaving, but I'll come back one day. I need to dive Raja Ampat again, after all.
This experience meant so much to me that I'm ignoring the mounds of crap all over my room to write a the first of what I am sure will be several posts dedicated to how I feel about leaving because I am still trying to work it out for myself.
I'm sad to be leaving the first place I have called home since I moved to LSU. I'm sad to be leaving my yoga classes because they centered me and grounded me and gave me a coping mechanism. I wish I had traveled more - because the world is so big and the slice of it I have explored so tiny in comparison. I am going to miss my coworkers - all 400 of them. Well, maybe most of them. Ok, some of them. They are the most passionate, beautiful, caring, loving people I have ever met. We're a family. Together we acheived some awesome things and I am so proud to say that I was a part of them.
Most of all, I am proud of myself. Because when I got here, I thought I might make it 6 months and then flee home quaking in terror. Instead, I am walking out a member of the creation team for the show, having made it and flourished in my job. I am proud of the work I accomplished, because I did work really hard, as we all did.
No regrets. Not a single, solitary one.
I started here a terrified little girl and now I'm not. Simply. I have new hobbies, new interests, a zeal for traveling, a faith in myself that's new, confidence to travel alone - that's definitely new, most importantly - the most amazing and supportive network of friends from all over the world who will always understand this part of my life. Always. And I have Macau and the people here to thank for all of that.
I might even return to Asia one day. Not immediately, I will need some time to get over this experience and properly mourn my leaving, but I'll come back one day. I need to dive Raja Ampat again, after all.
This experience meant so much to me that I'm ignoring the mounds of crap all over my room to write a the first of what I am sure will be several posts dedicated to how I feel about leaving because I am still trying to work it out for myself.
I'm sad to be leaving the first place I have called home since I moved to LSU. I'm sad to be leaving my yoga classes because they centered me and grounded me and gave me a coping mechanism. I wish I had traveled more - because the world is so big and the slice of it I have explored so tiny in comparison. I am going to miss my coworkers - all 400 of them. Well, maybe most of them. Ok, some of them. They are the most passionate, beautiful, caring, loving people I have ever met. We're a family. Together we acheived some awesome things and I am so proud to say that I was a part of them.
Most of all, I am proud of myself. Because when I got here, I thought I might make it 6 months and then flee home quaking in terror. Instead, I am walking out a member of the creation team for the show, having made it and flourished in my job. I am proud of the work I accomplished, because I did work really hard, as we all did.
No regrets. Not a single, solitary one.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
To My Concerned Readers:
I know you are all sad as my time in Macau draws to a close because that means my lively and entertaining blog that approximately two people (including Justin) read will end.
Have no fear.
I am vacating Macau, but this girl's story is not ending. I'll write as long as I have something to say, which we all know is unlikely to ever change.
I got things to say.
I may change my blog site when I get home and rework some things in my free time, edit entries to include pictures of the things about which I speak and have spoken.
As long as Justin keeps reading, I will write!
Plus, I'm sure readjusting to life post-Macau will have its own adventures relevant to expat living!
Have no fear.
I am vacating Macau, but this girl's story is not ending. I'll write as long as I have something to say, which we all know is unlikely to ever change.
I got things to say.
I may change my blog site when I get home and rework some things in my free time, edit entries to include pictures of the things about which I speak and have spoken.
As long as Justin keeps reading, I will write!
Plus, I'm sure readjusting to life post-Macau will have its own adventures relevant to expat living!
Friday, December 14, 2012
Random Acts
I am preparing to leave Macau. My bags are in the process of being packed, my room is looking like someone tossed it and my first box has already arrived in Mandeville.
Reflecting on my time here: there's been a lot of bad and a lot of tears.
But it's so hard to leave because there has been so much good. I came here to work and instead, I learned how to live.
Life is not about the bad moments, I'm taking away all the good instead.
Macau is not taxi drivers passing me by on the street, but instead the taxi drivers who love when a Westerner gets into their cab so that they can practice their English.
It's not the dreary weather and omnipresent rain clouds; it's the bus attendant on the street who held an umbrella over my head when it was raining and the bus was late and all I had was my raincoat.
Instead of throwing away old clothes or clothes I've never worn, it's giving them to our cleaner from the Philippines who's supporting her family back home on a salary I remember struggling on to provide for myself alone.
It's not the people who can never have enough name brand things; it's the people who go on a diving trip to Indonesia and leave behind everything because the boys on the boat wore the same clothes every day and their gear was worn and we didn't need our's because of closets full of namebrand clothes from Macau and our gear was samples from vendors.
It truly doesn't take much, does it? This life has been so fruitful and so good to me. I am so grateful and so blessed for everything.
Reflecting on my time here: there's been a lot of bad and a lot of tears.
But it's so hard to leave because there has been so much good. I came here to work and instead, I learned how to live.
Life is not about the bad moments, I'm taking away all the good instead.
Macau is not taxi drivers passing me by on the street, but instead the taxi drivers who love when a Westerner gets into their cab so that they can practice their English.
It's not the dreary weather and omnipresent rain clouds; it's the bus attendant on the street who held an umbrella over my head when it was raining and the bus was late and all I had was my raincoat.
Instead of throwing away old clothes or clothes I've never worn, it's giving them to our cleaner from the Philippines who's supporting her family back home on a salary I remember struggling on to provide for myself alone.
It's not the people who can never have enough name brand things; it's the people who go on a diving trip to Indonesia and leave behind everything because the boys on the boat wore the same clothes every day and their gear was worn and we didn't need our's because of closets full of namebrand clothes from Macau and our gear was samples from vendors.
It truly doesn't take much, does it? This life has been so fruitful and so good to me. I am so grateful and so blessed for everything.
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