Courage

I have a very dear friend I have written about before. Her name is Jennifer and she is beautiful. She is an amazingly strong woman and I admire her more than most people in the world. She believes with her whole heart and she loves with her whole being. She is incredible and I wish everyone in the world could know her because she makes everyone she knows a better person.

When I graduated from college, I was scared. Terrified. The world is a scary scary place and the thought of being an "adult" was holding me back. Jennifer gave me a book for my graduation present. I love books, but this one meant more to me than anything else I got for graduation (no offense to anyone). It is called "Courage" by Bernard Waber. Some highlights/excerpts from the text:

"Courage is deciding to have your hair cut.

Courage is a scenic car trip and being stuck in the middle during the best part.

Courage is explaining the rip in your new pants.

Courage is exploring heights - and depths.

Courage is starting over.

Courage is holding onto your dream.

Courage is sometimes having to say goodbye."

Today I needed courage. I brought that book with me to China. I knew I would need it. I needed it a lot when I first arrived here. I needed it more today. I thought coming to China would be different. I thought it would change my life, and me. It was. It has.

I've had a lot to think about this past week. Scary thoughts. Change thoughts. I've made some decisions, come to some conclusions. I know they're right for me and for my life. They are very scary though. I need all the prayers I can get right now to be at peace with my decisions, which are grown up decisions. Sometimes we have to admit that we cannot do things alone. Sometimes we have to admit that the only option is to do things alone.

Sometimes we have to admit that it is time.

Change scares me more than snakes. Which is a lot. Trust me. Change scares me more than needles, which still make me cry at the grown up age of 25.

But change is all we have in life. Every day is different. Even if it's something as little as that, it is still change. Time is fleeting and it is not worth being unhappy in a situation.

Jennifer and my brother and I made a pact before I left that we would not rush into being an adult and none of us would grow up before I came home. In a not so weird, pretty inevitable way, I think we all have. Somewhere along the way, living in a foreign country made me rely on myself more than ever. That is grown up. My brother made the decision to go to seminary - he'll make an excellent preacher - but his current job made him much more grown up. Jennifer adopted a lot of responsibility almost by accident at her current job. I think that made her grow up too. I think our hearts will always be young. We owe that much to each other, even if we accidentally grew up. Growing up is not something you choose. It just happens to you. And if you blink, you'll miss the realization that it happened. It's a scary thing.

But courage is something you choose.

And sometimes it's all you have.